Am I cut out for this?

I have a three year old. I have a three year old that evidently skipped the terrible twos and jumped head first into the tantrum threes. Some days I am afraid of her. Like today. At lunch today with my dear friend Rebekah and her daughter Chloe, Rebekah asked where I had gotten a certain princess of Madeline's. It was her little people princess but Madeline calls her "Princess Dora" and if you call her a little people princess it sends her into a rage. I spelled out "little people" to Rebekah twice and then admitted to her that I am scared of my 3 year old. That Tucker and I sometimes sit close to one another and hold each other tight while she is in the midst of a fit and watch her in amazement. It is funny but sadly, true.

And I get it. She is in this delicate stage of development. An age full of contradictions. She wants desperately to be independent but at the same time desperately needs me. She wants attention and gets mad if you encourage her to put on a show. And we have this new addition. This little baby boy that we all love. And Madeline does love him. She has never acted out against him. Only once has she said anything negative about him. She told me to throw him in the trash and then said that she was "just joking me."

Tucker requires a lot of time. On days when his sleep schedule is pretty consistent and he is taking good naps Madeline has a pretty good day. I know it is because I get to spend more one on one time with her on those days. Then there are these days. This day. Something is wrong with Tucker. He has been having a really hard time going to and staying asleep. So I spend a lot of time either in his room rocking him and trying to get him to sleep or I spend a lot of time on edge, at the end of my rope, about to lose it from listening to him cry and cry and cry- not going to sleep. Madeline trys to get me to play with her during that time. His screams don't have the same effect on her. It is near impossible to play princess while a baby is crying. So Madeline acts out. She is bored and neglected and she acts out.

Then I act out. The other night after a particularly rough day Madeline was tucked in bed and said, "But Mommy, you acted ugly too. You yelled at me and that made me sad." This is what I am dealing with, folks. She is so introspective and well spoken. You'd think she was 17. It is then that I have a hard time balancing her verbal/emotional age with her actual age. I have to keep reminding myself that she is 3.

It is after a day like today that I fear I am not cut out for this. That I am not the right kind of lady to be a stay at home mom. All I can do is get up again tomorrow and try to make it better but I just don't know how. I wish I knew what the next day held. I wish I could plan for the unexpected. I didn't expect to be in Tucker's room all day. I didn't expect Madeline to be put to bed upset at 7. I'm gonna go to bed early and hope for the energy to do it all again tomorrow if need be- maybe just a little better...