Home

Today we went to a friend's birthday party in what I still consider to be my home town even though I've lived in my current town for 26 of my 34 years.

It was familiar. I hadn't been back there since we left really but everything was still very familiar.

The surreal part was being there, and being 34, and having my family with me, and my daughter who is me all over again, and her being 5 (almost 6). When I lived there I was 5 (and 6) and mom was 34. I went to kindergarten and first grade there. I took dance lessons there. My Dad and Mom owned and operated their first business there. And they built their dream home there overlooking the golf course. They were young and had everything in the world going for them. I convinced Mom to let me get my ears pierced there. I convinced Dad that God sent me a kitten there. I fell in love for the first time there (with a boy named Bubba) and dressed up like Olivia Newton John nearly every day there while listening to her greatest hits album (vinyl). I decided Urban Cowboy was my favorite movie there (still is) and gave up mayonnaise and any kind of creamy dressing there. I decided I loved to paint there when Mom and I created our first fingerprint masterpiece and it was a place where all of our family came to see us and stay with us. It felt like home. Still does. But being there today with the PEOPLE who feel like home to me now was pretty amazing.



This was our house.



This was the back that looked out over the golf course. Mom and Dad planted so many azaleas there. And spent days and weeks making that back yard manicured and beautiful. None of their azaleas are there though. I couldn't show Dad this picture. He still talks about it like it is still their home too.



This is the golf course. I remember chasing dragon flies out there. I thought it was mine. My magical green field.



I remember Dad putting me up on that fence. I bet there are 50 pictures of me sitting right in this very spot in Mom's hope chest. Madeline wasn't with me when we took this picture. I would love to have one of her there. We'll have to take our little trip down memory lane again some time so I can get one.

There's something to be said for a small town life. I'll have to get Mom and Dad to tell Madeline and I all of their stories about life back then again. I bet it will mean so much more to me now that I can so relate to who they were.

We had a great day with great friends.

little shares

Just had a few little jems to remember and share.

Yesterday when I got Tucker out of bed he hugged me and told me he would go play choo choo trains and then he would be ready for his chocolate milk and cartoons. Before he even crossed the threshold of the playroom door he said, "One day, on the Island of Sodor..." I love Madeline and Tucker's rich imaginations.

I found Tucker's missing caboose that Santa brought him. He has lined up his "black steam engine, black coal car, and wittle wed camoose" a million times since I found it. He came walking into the kitchen yesterday morning and said "I'm so happy Momma. I have all my fings I love."


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Honoring Family

A couple of weeks ago a dear friend of mine and her husband suffered a great tragedy. Her husband's grandfather's life was cut short and their family was left stunned and saddened. I have wanted to post these thoughts ever since I had the honor of attending the funeral of this man I never met but I didn't think I could express myself clearly enough. I still may not be able to but I had a long needed conversation with Mom and Dad on Tuesday and I feel like my thoughts are a little more composed so here goes...

Growing up I loved my Mom and Dad. But as a child, kid, teen, early adult, and for me, sadly, full grown adult, I was so selfish and self centered. It honestly has not been until the last couple of years that I REALLY took a look at them and realized that they were people. I had always looked at them as MY Mom and Dad. And I held them to MY high standards and blamed them when I screwed up or lacked judgment or needed too much affirmation from others or lacked drive or felt confused in my marriage or frustrated with my children. Here I go... have I lost everyone already? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I realize that they are and were just people. Beautiful in love young people with all of the hopes and plans and desires in the world for their family and kids and lives together. Just like me and Tyler. And just like me and Tyler they had great triumphs and failures and were wonderful and wonderfully flawed. But I am certain now that, just like me and Tyler, they tried their hardest. And are still trying their hardest. And so now, after the funeral of the wonderful man my friends lost, I want to honor my Mom and Dad and their living legacy. The legacy that they will leave when they go but also honor them while they are here. I want to live my life in a way that would please them and make them proud. I want to be a reflection of the wonderful parents that they were and are and I want them to know how proud I am to be their daughter.

The daughter in law of the man that passed away spoke so openly and honestly at the funeral. She was such a shining example to me of the type of woman I hope to be some day. She spoke about the fact that every one of his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren felt so honored to have this man as their "Pop" and that they all made sure through the years that the let him know how much they loved him and also they lived their lives to honor him. My friend (another wonderful daughter in law of his that I'm sure he felt such peace and pride in knowing the kind of woman his grandson married) shared that they all (all of the kids and grand kids) are high achievers in their lives. Not just in their careers but also in their families and in how they are and who they are. That they all have the same depth of character that they all saw in their Pop.

I'm ashamed to say that I did not live my life like that. My life was all about me with very little thought about the type of reflection I would be on my parents who adored me. I do not have any idea how they managed to provide me with SO much love and SUCH rich memories despite the turmoil that went on in our family from a very young age with my brother. It may have been that I always battled with depression- I'm not sure why- but I always just kind of floated through life expecting the next decision to be made for me like a feather in the wind. I had no real drive or determination despite my parents encouraging me, sending me to college, and urging me to pursue a career path I would be passionate about. I didn't do drugs. I never got into trouble. But I did make some unfortunate decisions that I know broke Mom and Dad's hearts a few times. I'm crying now at the thought of Madeline or Tucker just not caring enough to live up to the potential that Tyler and I see in them. That would be heart breaking. I never realized that it was not just MY life that I was living. I never realized that as THEIR daughter it was my duty to honor them and to be a living embodiment of their hard work and values and LOVE. There was always love.

When I met Tyler and had Madeline and Tucker I finally had a dream and a goal and drive and determination and started to pursue this passion that I feel to be a great mom. I have a great Mom and Dad.

When I sat down with them on Tuesday I didn't expect to say any of the things I did but it all just came spilling out and there we all were sitting in a tiny booth crying at Taco Bueno. I had tried to class it up a bit and go to Mr Pancho but since the three of us work together time was a factor and we opted for faster food. I think if I had known I was going to drop a "legacy" talk in their laps I would have made our lunch at my house or something. Anyway, I told them that I love them. And that I have so much respect for them both. And that even though I'm nearly 35 that I want to make sure that they know that I know...that I KNOW they did their best with my brother and I. And that I KNOW they loved my brother and I so very much and so deeply. What does a parent feel like when their child takes their own life? I can't even allow myself to imagine the pain in that. I want Mom and Dad to know that I want to honor them. I hope they will be around for a very long time for me to get to know the people that they are. I am old enough now to appreciate the stories of their realities raising my brother and I- not just the memories I have of my (I'm sure) very sheltered life. I want to be a reflection in my life of their love. I respect them and I want them both to know that. I want to make sure that they know that while they are here because it is too late to show them after they are gone.

My family

Here are some pictures of my family.


I love my Mom and Dad. But I loved my brother more than anyone in the world.


This was the summer that my nephew really let me love him too.



He was so so beautiful. Sorry for the pictures of pictures...



Our pose for a gift for Mom and Dad.

I am almost certain he was singing oh suzanna while my brother played the harmonica.


This is great. My hippy phase. I love this picture.

This was Luke's first day of kindergarten. I was so proud that he let me hold his hand to the door. His Daddy walked him in. I know it sounds strange to say but he really was an amazing Dad. I remember so clearly sitting on the back porch at Mom and Dad's watching the two of them play and hoping that one day I would have a husband who loved my children as much as my brother loved his son.

Smart kid

Tucker wouldn't let Tyler get him up from his nap today. He wanted me. I heard him over the monitor in our room saying, "Momma, are you coming to get me Momma? I want you Momma..." He giggled and wrapped himself around me when I picked him up. And this is where we are now. Dada is making our microwaveable leftovers cause he's super nice and because I'm not getting up!


Tucker is pretty smart. Yes, for being Momma's boy tonight but he's smart about other stuff too. He loves to copy Madeline. when I take him to school now he insists on "riding in Sissy's seat." He likes to buckle himself and when we get to his school he can UN buckle himself. But this morning the conversation went like this-

"I ride in Sissy's seat Momma. And I buckle myself." I agreed that that would be fine so off to school we went. When we got close he said, "I backwards buckle myself now Momma?" It took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about. Then I got it. When we get close to Madeline's school every morning she has to unbuckle and when we're in line for drop off she climbs up to the front seat to kiss me and a morning helper opens her door for her to go to school. Tucker wanted to unbuckle himself. So I said, "no, not yet Buddy. Momma will tell you when it's time to backwards buckle." That's pretty smart. Right? Realizing you don't know a word and coming up with one that means the same thing? Makes up for the other night when he ran around banging himself in the head with the top of his drum over and over and over.

Momma's boy.

Just some little things...

Tucker loves his Sissy so so much . That's not to say that he isn't mean to her sometimes- because he is. He'll invite her, BEG her, to go and play trains with him and 5 seconds later he is shoving her out of the play room and telling Tyler and I that he DOES NOT want Sissy to play with him. But he loves her.

A couple of days ago Madeline stubbed her toe coming out of her room before school and cried for a couple of minutes. When I went to get Tucker out of bed he asked if Sissy was okay and I told him that she had hurt her toe. He asked if he could kiss it and sure enough he went to her in the living room and got down on his knees and kissed her toe.

Yesterday Madeline got her feelings hurt at school and I talked with her about the issue all the way home. When we got to the house Madeline went inside immediately and Tucker waited for me to come around and get him out of his car seat. When I opened his door he asked if he could go and kiss Sissy's feelings.

I suggested they snuggle up and watch a movie that would make her happy. He suggested "Day of the Diesels." I laughed and asked him if he thought Madeline would like that one. I said that it would be nice if he went and asked her what SHE would like to watch and found out what would make HER happy. He went to ask her and she said she wanted to watch his diesel movie.

I remembered this week to concentrate on the "treat others as you would be treated" rule and it really helps me to repeat it to myself throughout the day. It makes me more patient with Madeline and Tucker and a little more understanding and soft spoken with them. Sometimes I find myself whispering gently to them when I feel like screaming at them. That feels good. I like when I find myself trying to improve and be a better mom. Sometimes I can be a really lazy mom. I can't believe I have to take continuing education to renew my Real Estate license each year but there is no required training or continuing ed that a PARENT has to attend each year in order to continue RAISING A GOOD HUMAN BEING! Crazy. As a side note- I skipped my continuing ed today so that I could work at M's school. I can make it up later this year and today being there for her at the school after an especially hard day seemed like some important parenting ed.

But...I had to go and get Tucker from MDO so that I could go back to the school and finish up my work. Tucker had not napped and every request was met with "NO!" He wouldn't listen and at the very end of our day when I was trying to get the kids out to the car before we got blocked in by the pick up line Tucker refused to cross the busy street with Madeline and I and then would not get in his car seat. He wouldn't even look at me for me to do my whisper request that he PLEASE get in his seat so that we could go home. I swatted him on the bottom (quickly and lightly to get his attention) through his diaper and he started SOBBING immediately. He cried all the way home and just as we turned into our neighborhood Madeline asked him why he felt so sad. He told her that he was "sad because Mamma spanked him and it made him feel sad." Madeline said, "Well, Tucker, I don't know what to say. You have to obey Mamma. I know it hurts- I've been spanked HUNDREDS of times but you just have to do what she asks you to do and that way you won't get in trouble." Sorry if this statement offends anyone but I think that is hilarious. SO funny that she perceives her number of spankings as HUNDREDS. She was so dramatic when she said it. And it is so far from true. Hilarious that she is giving her brother that advice. Tonight within the span of 15 minutes I had to ask her to go and look at the "rules I will not ever say again because if I have to repeat myself one more time I will bang my head against a concrete wall- list" 3 times. For disobeying.

BUT...I'm gonna pat myself on the back here- it was so amazing that it has to be documented-
After she finally DID obey and got dressed we went to dinner. 2 older couples were sitting by us and when we started to leave they both complimented Tyler and I on our parenting skills and told us we were doing great jobs raising wonderful children. They both said how well behaved Madeline and Tucker were. Tyler and I were JUST laughing the other night about how no one had said that to us since Tucker's birth. We used to take Madeline everywhere and she was an angel. With Tucker you just never know. We used to get praised all the time and since we just had one great kid we thought the praise really was deserved. That we had done it. But we hadn't. We were good at preparing and packing for Madeline. We always carried snacks and entertainment. We quietly colored with her etc...but the great part was not because of us- God just gave us a pretty great toddler in Madeline. Anyway, I thanked our fellow diners and said how nice that was of them to say. Then I went home to pick the beans out of my hair from Tucker smearing his food down his sweater and then wiping it in my hair while he was standing up in our booth trying to climb over it to get to the other table and then when he realized I was not going to let him he decided to climb on me. And on my hair.

Tucker is precious though. Preciously sweet and polite most of the time. Easy going and funny. With the BEST sense of humor. Tonight he straight out lied to his sister and told her that he got to have a birthday party at school today and that they had cake. When I called him out on it he admitted that it was actually Colby and Andy's birthday but he really thought he was funny and loved that he had his sister going.

So tomorrow I'll start over and repeat my "be nice" mantra. Life is so precious. These babies I have the privilege of raising are precious. And being nice to one another makes life better.

They're so big

Yesterday evening the kids both climbed in my lap while we watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the first one, the best one). I still think of them as being so little but later I walked into the living room and saw them both in a different way. Tucker looked 12 standing there in his sweater an jeans.



Madeline was watching Little Bear oblivious to me taking her picture and smiling so big at the cartoons. She seems so grown up sometimes.



She had a great day back at school. She was so excited to go. I rolled down Tucker's window when I dropped her off and he yelled out to her that he loved her. I love them so so much and I am so proud of the little people they are becoming and I am learning so much from them every day.

Winter Break

Tucker has this puddle thing. I know I've mentioned it before. As soon as he could crawl he would crawl over to the dog bowl, if we were outside he'd crawl (and later walk) over to puddles, he dump his drink out onto his tray in his highchair, and drink out of the puddles. It's what he has always preferred. I just thank goodness he has never tried to drink out of the toilet. We thought we had pretty much put a stop to it. I've tried to make him understand that drinking from mud puddles is yucky. He used to start making slurping noises as soon as I would open the garage door in the mornings to get in the car if it had rained and there were puddles on our driveway. But lately he has been better. But yesterday he accidentally dumped his water on our picnic blanket and started drinking off of it. Then he slurped a whole bunch of water into his mouth and spit it as his sweet sister. I thought she was going to puke. She was just totally repulsed. Tucker went inside and got a towel to clean his sister up, kissed her, and told her he was sorry (with my urging).





Friday we finally got to slow down a bit again and have some quiet time together. I stopped everything and we got out the play doh. I don't do this often enough. The kids played well together and loved it.



Tucker loved making the animals. He insisted that they all have 2 eyes. It looked like a Picasso menagerie.







Madeline loved making and giving presents and cards this year. Friday she got one of the candy canes that Santa brought off the tree and wrapped it to give me as a gift. I think it is so funny- she asked me for a box that would fit a candy cane. She asked me to teach her how to wrap it by herself, and then she gave it to me and was thrilled that I was so surprised to get it.



The Monday that our break started was wonderful. The kids crawled in bed with me after Tyler went to work and we snuggled. Madeline sweetly leaned over to Tucker and said, "I love you Tucker." And gave him a kiss on his head. Tucker said, "I love my black choo choo train."







Hope everyone had a wonderful winter break. Ours was busy, hectic, and flew by too fast but it was wonderful. Full of family, friends, and laughter (and admittedly a little too much quality time sometimes- Madeline and Tucker play together nicely for about 3.5 seconds at a time). Looking forward to the new year we have a lot of exciting things happening very soon! Tucker will be THREE (unbelievable), Madeline will be 6, and then she will graduate from kindergarten. I'm so thankful for the few precious SLOW days that we have had together in the last couple of weeks.