Just being real...

So this blog is intended to be a place to keep a diary of my life, my kids, and my heart. The blogs I read that I enjoy most are the ones that give me a bit of insight into the head and heart of the mother writing it. I am always able to find some insight, share some joy or sorrow, or appreciate some honesty- hoping someone might find some hope or insight in this post...

I was around 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried about 8 months ago. If I were holding and nursing a newborn right now no one would say that back in November I was not really pregnant. The only way I can deal with that loss and missing that baby now is to think that that little soul is still living- but the body that it was to come in was not the right body at that time.

I think I am feeling this loss lately because Tucker is at the age when we might consider having another child but instead we have decided to put it off for a while- maybe indefinitely, which is really hard to think about.

I am really good at having babies. I know that sounds silly but I LOVE being pregnant. I love labor. I love delivery. After that things get a little foggy for a few months but gimme a gummy smile and I am a pretty darn good mom. The thought of not experiencing that miracle again is gut-wrenching and makes the loss of our last pregnancy even harder for me. Sometimes I feel like I would want to just keep having babies for as long as I could...totally Dugger-like, I know, but the thought of a family full of babies and siblings is a warm fuzzy thought to me. I lost my brother and I am not a sister anymore- I want to make sure that my kids have plenty of family around for the rest of their lives. I guess for now though I just need to keep focusing on making sure that they are sweet to one another and that they love each other.

I am enjoying the age my kids are now. And I am enjoying their mobility and the activities that come along with that. I look forward to every new day with them and seeing what new thought Madeline adds to our lives or what new word or trick Tucker comes up with. We laugh a lot and play a lot and I am so blessed to have exactly the life I have right now...but I do wonder what it would be like with that new little life in our arms.

Tucker has a bit of a runny nose right now and is having a hard time napping. Madeline has a bad cough and is watching a movie in my room (so she doesn't wake up Tucker) but she keeps screaming at the top of her lungs for this or that and I keep dropping whatever I am doing to dash back there before she screams again. Add newborn to the mix and I am pretty sure it would be a pretty hairy day- but a good one. So, this is what I am feeling right now- the loss of a beautiful idea but the hope for the continued growth and well being of the two babies that I do get to hold in my arms...right now.

Fourth of July

Have I mentioned before how much I love our town? Well, I do. I got out on Saturday July 3, and the streets of the parade route right by our home were lined in American flags. Our parks and rec department is amazing and always puts together such wonderful community events. Later in the day we watched the Fourth Fest parade and fireworks.

I had taken Madeline to the pool earlier in the day and we came home and took naps. I had to wake up poor Madeline to go to the parade but once we got there she was happy to collect the candy that everyone throws from their floats. She was supposed to ride on her dance studio's float but she decided she would rather catch candy than throw candy. My girl.



Tucker and Tyler waiting for the parade to begin



Madeline and Tucker



After the parade we went to Mom and Dad's house. Their house is right on the lake in town where the fireworks take place and where the band plays. We end up inviting everyone we see at the park to our house for burgers and dogs. It is so much fun. Everyone just stops in and visits and then goes back out to the park. We walked our chairs down to the lake that night for the fireworks. Tucker LOVED them. He sat in my lap not moving a muscle, totally engrossed.




We spent the rest of the weekend with my in-laws and went to the lake with them. We had a great day except for the part when Tyler punctured his foot on the boat ladder. I am not good with blood. I feel really bad that my reaction was not to take care of and nurse Tyler's foot. Thank goodness for his sweet sister Bliss who took care of him because I ran away about to barf. Poor Tyler.

It was a wonderful weekend otherwise. Hope everyone had happy fourths!

Being the Mommy

Madeline had her first dance recital at the end of June. A couple of week prior she had her recital pictures taken. It was that day that it hit me that I was my daughter's mother.

Standing in the dance studio waiting for it to be her turn for pictures I remembered so clearly doing the exact same thing with my mom. I am exactly the same age with my 4 and a half year old as she was with hers.

Before my first pictures, we had spray painted my ballet slippers orange to match one of my costumes (an orange and black stripe one- not my favorite). I also had a white lace costume that I did LOVE. It is the costume I was wearing in the picture mom and dad still have sitting on their bookcase at home. In the picture I am wearing this beautiful white costume, tights, and ORANGE slippers and an ORANGE bow. I remember that we forgot to have another pair of ballet shoes and I remember mom being stressed about it and asking the photographer what to do. Guess they came up with a solution.

Anyway, standing there that day with my 4 and a half year old I teared up. Watching her smile for the photographer and thinking of what might be going through her little head...realizing that I remember so much from being that age, and how my mom was my world. I loved her so much. I hope to be as good a mom to my Madeline as my mom was to me. I hope that her memories of me are as sweet as mine are of my mom...always working so hard to please me and make me happy.

I fail sometimes but I try really hard. Here are some pictures of my grown up baby girl on her big day...

Coloring before the awards ceremony



With her class lined up to get their trophies



She was SO excited to get a trophy!




Their first performance was to"When You Wish Upon A Star"




Flowers from Grampsie Pampsie and Mamie




About to perform!




"Bare Necessities" tap number. Madeline is not the best dancer yet but she sure is cute!












Tumbling and gymnastics to "I Don't Wanna Grow Up."




Look at those toes gripping the beam!




This was right before Tucker threw her trophy into the fish pond. That's brothers for ya! We got it back and all was well. Madeline wanted to go to McDonald's for a celebratory dinner. It was a great night. I love being her mom.