Christmas time!

It has really been hard for me to write lately! This season is filled with so much joy and excitement and love for me, my family, and the kids but in my own heart it has been especially sad this year too. My brother and nephew feel so close to me in my heart and mind yet I am dealing with the reality if how long they have been gone, how much life has changed, and how much I wish they were here with me still.

Madeline is the same age Luke was and in 6 months I will be the same age Lou was when we lost them. My last Christmas with the boys was a great one. I've gone into the kid's playroom a million times lately to get down the album with pictures of the boys off the shelf but I haven't yet. Maybe I can soon. And maybe I can share some of my stories about them here. Hopefully some day Madeline and Tucker can find peace here in some of my stories about them to temper the sadness of their loss.

But we have made some precious memories this year. I love my babies so much even though parenting can be the most difficult job in the world- I totally agree with the feeling that it is also the most rewarding.



Our tree is not fancy. I didn't put big mesh ribbons on it this year. I kept thinking that I needed big wide wired red ribbon- not mesh. I could picture what I wanted in my mind but never had a chance to get out and look for it. Then I found it. I was cleaning out my hope chest to make room for Madeline's art and treasures and I found a picture album I had made in high school. I saw that the ribbon I grew up with was exactly the ribbon I had been dreaming about. I immediately told Mom and Dad that I loved them. And that despite all of the hardships my family went through over the years dealing with loss and the struggle with my brother's mental illness that they had always made Christmas so beautiful and special. My life, the memories I made with Mom and Dad, our traditions, all of it was great. Now that I'm a parent I don't know how they managed. And I love them even more knowing that they went way beyond just managing. My memories are precious.



Tucker and I made a ginger train to go along with Madeline's annual ginger house.



This was at Big Cedar. Tucker had just demolished Tyler's log house. The look on his face says it all.



Tucker's hand (and foot) reindeer. He giggled the entire time we painted his hands and feet.



Madeline and I had some precious time together at the state Capitol after her performance.



Madeline's shirt this year was decorated with some of her found treasures that we keep in a jar.



Our cookies we're about to leave for Santa. I made the "I love Santa" one. Because I do. Very very much.



Our "damn cookies." which turned out great.

Merry Christmas.

Better.

Just wanted to update my post from last night. This morning Madeline has been precious. She and her brother have played trains and babies together all morning.

When a fight nearly broke out over watching Thomas or My Little Pony a compromise was reached and we just turned on Toy Story.

Sleep, prayer, and a new day have made all the difference.

Damn cookies

There is no way for something as simple as "a day" to live up to my expectations for it.

I have been mentally counting down the days until I had my Madeline home with me again since she started kindergarten. Since August all I have thought of is the two weeks of bliss that I would get to have with her over Christmas break. 3 1/2 days in she bailed on me. She ran off to my Mom's and wouldn't come home.

Her behavior has been WONDERFUL lately. It took her a good 2 months to adjust and find her confidence at kindergarten but since she has she has blossomed. She can read. Anything. Any word, any book, any magazine. She reads. The days of me spelling secret things to her Daddy are over. Several weeks ago I told her that she would get as many Christmas presents as she had "green" weeks. She had to stay on green at school ALL WEEK to get a present. I have been hanging the green reports on the fridge. Not talking about them much during the week but making a BIG deal at the end of a good behavior week and it has worked. She has had 5 green weeks in a row. The deal was she had to be "on green" at school AND home. She gets 5 presents.

I have LOVED nearly every moment with her lately. I don't expect her to be perfect. The two of us discuss our mistakes and that we are allowed to make mistakes as long as we are learning from them. I have had a much easier time lately communicating with her and laughing through difficult times rather than fighting. Today has NOT been one of those days.

I picked her up from my Mom and Dad's at 10:15 this morning to head to our Dentist. By 10:20 she had hit her brother hard enough in the face with her jacket to make him cry real crocodile tears. I JUST (at 11 pm) got through with a talk with her to explain for the LAST time that when she hurts Tucker my heart hurts just as much as when anyone hurts her. That he is my heart too. And that he is still little and smaller than her. And that when I think about how much he loves her and copies every.thing.she.does. that it makes me want to weep. And how sad it was that he was looking forward to being with his sister and that she decided to hit him because he insisted he had his own Thomas stickers and she was adamant that he did not. She didn't understand that he was excited and trying to tell her about a gift from Aunt Lindsey. My heart just breaks thinking about his frustration and disappointment in trying to communicate something to his sister that he was excited about and her being so mean to him. This happened twice today. When she was frustrated with him for not communicating as well and properly as she does so she screamed and lashed out at him. And twice today his heart was even more crushed by her behavior than mine is.

Back to the simplicity of a day...

I know I am so blessed. This was my list of things to do today:

1.Take kids to dentist (who we are blessed enough to call a friend) for mine and Madeline's cleanings.
2. Visit with a friend and her family.
3. Go by the grocery store and pick up veggies to add to the other things I was planning for dinner.
4. Go by bank
5. Go by pharmacy
6. Make cookie dough from scratch with Madeline (something I have never done) and refrigerate it to roll out, bake, and decorate cookies tomorrow.

What an easy day. What an easy life. No war, no famine, no illness...why am I sitting her totally depleted, sad, exhausted and disappointed? The kids were great at the dentist office. Well, great for my kids. Madeline was matter of fact and communicated very well with her hygienist and with Dr. Clint. Tucker took his trains in with him and "whoo whoo'd" very loudly a couple of times but other than that was great. Our visit with friends afterwards didn't work out so off to the grocery store we went. Madeline's behavior was deplorable so so was Tucker's. I even walked out without paying for our applesauce because I could not get out fast enough. I'll go by tomorrow and throw that $2 through the drive through window and save everyone from the pleasure of another visit from the three of us.

At the bank I couldn't hear the teller because of their fighting and my headache because of the lingering effects of the grocery store trip. At the pharmacy I locked them in the car and went in by myself. I didn't mention my kids being in the car but then I was embarrassed when I asked for 2 tootsie rolls for the kids and wondered how horrible they thought I was for locking them in the car. It has one of those things where you can lock it and start the engine without the keys in it so I did that so they would have air circulating but when I got in the car I realized that the last time I had done that was to warm it up on a cold day so the whole time I had been in the pharmacy the heat was going full blast and the seat warmers were on. I guess the remote start automatically turns on whatever you had on the last time you used the remote start? The good thing was that both of them were so hot in the car that they didn't have the energy to fight with one another.

Tonight at home Madeline started screaming at Tucker for calling the fox in "The Fox and the Hound" an orange kitty cat and she physically lashed out at him again. And again, big heartbroken tears from Tucker.

I mean, I know I'm whining and belly aching over nothing in the grand scheme of things but GEEZE! At 4 pm I thought and prayed for just 1 thing to be easy today. For just 1 thing to be as simple as it should. And then the cookies...why didn't I just give up the cookies? After this day why not just scratch the cookies? Instead I took her with me to the grocery store at 8:30 to get the ingredients for sugar cookies. It was every bit the struggle that I should have expected it to be. and nothing got any better. It's after midnight now and I can't shake this day. I can't seem to get rid of the stress of it. I thought writing it all out would make me feel better.

It ended with Madeline with me making a sign that I taped over her t.v. (which is a privilege she has now lost until further notice) with 5 rules that she should know by now. And I informed her that this was it. That after this day I would not EVER say any of those rules to her ever ever again. That I was so tired of saying them to her that I was done. She can read the sign. And any time she breaks one of those rules I am going to go get the sign and hand it to her. I cannot hear myself say any of those things again after today. Tucker suffers because of it too. I expect him to understand the rules because I am repeating myself to Madeline so much. I'm not as patient with him as I was with her.

And you know that the most frustrating part of all of this to ME is? I know what it is all about. I know why I am so sad. I know that I would give ANYTHING to have my brother. I know that I would give ANYTHING to have days with him to build him up and make him feel good about himself. I know that I would give ANYTHING to still be some one's sister.

I told Tyler and Madeline that to me, in my mind, and in my soul, a family should be the people that cling to one another. Support one another. Build one another up. Be the most kind to one another than we are to anyone else. That we are stuck together. We will spend the most time together. Like it or not. We're family. And that we should love one another the most. I loved my brother so much. So so much. He was so kind to me. So patient. Days that he devoted to me and spent time with me were some of my happiest. I want that for Tucker and Madeline too.

And I know I've got to let my perfect fantasy cookies from scratch days go. Who cares. At 9 this morning as I lamented to Mom that I wanted to "just spend time today with Madeline learning how to make cookies together," she said, "Wanna know what my secret ingredient for perfect cookies is?" I asked what? She said, "packaged refrigerated cookie dough. Save yourself the time and headache." Why make everyone miserable to make fantasy cookies when the real fantasy is just having happy times together instead of scratch cookies, headaches, and swollen eyes from crying.

Okay, lesson learned. Eyes dry. Thoughtfully and prayerfully going to bed and hoping to have a better day (with no expectations of perfect cookies) tomorrow.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

Made my first batch of homemade hot chocolate over the weekend. Y'all think I'm kidding when I say Tyler is afraid of the oven but he is. He's also afraid of hot cocoa mugs and when they say "hot plate" at Mr. Pancho he backs waayyy up.



My Madeline's picture.



Madeline with the ornament tree at Dillard's.



Her picture of the sparkly trees.



Santa and her balloon flower.



Me and Santa



Madeline and Santa



M enjoying some chic fil a



I love this time of year. I don't have a single decoration up at my house because I refuse to decorate until I get everything clean- and I haven't found time to clean...yet. But this time of year is fun. And I'm happy. And I like looking at everyone else's decorations anyway- less work for me. Oh, and I am hoping for LOTS of snow days. Love love love being cooped up with my family. And I've got a brand new jar of cocoa.

Funnies

I LOVE morning conversations with the kids on the way to take Madeline to school. They are HILARIOUS. I hate having to get up so early and I hate having to wake Tucker up and get him out in the elements so early but my mood is usually great by the time we get back home because I have laughed all the way to school and all the way home with him.

Here are some of my funnies. Things that my kids have said the last few days that make me crack up:

Yesterday morning on the way home from dropping off Madeline I was pretending to be one of Tucker's trains who is named "Hiro." He is a Japanease train so I was doing my best Hiro voice and telling Tucker that I was "looking forward to playing with him when he got home" and retelling Hiro's story about how he came to live on the "Island of Sodor." I was really getting into it and thought I was doing a really good job. Usually Tucker LOVES for me to pretend to be any of his stuffed animals so I thought he'd be really into me being Hiro. He interrupted me and said, "What are you doing Mamma?" I told him I was pretending to be Hiro. He said, "You're being a big black train Mamma?" I said yessss... He said, "Dat's kind of crazy Mamma." And ignored me the rest of the way home.

This morning Tucker was really tired when we loaded in the car. He sat in his seat silent sucking his fingers. Madeline was crawling into the front seat so I could kiss her and drop her off at school and she whispered to me that Tucker seemed really sleepy and that she was going to "try and be quiet so that maybe he would take a 'n-a-p' on the way home." Tucker popped his fingers out of his mouth and yelled at us, "I NOT sleepy and I NOT gonna take a 'ee-ee-ee!!'" Madeline and I died laughing.

We are still not potty training but he does go from time to time. The other night he asked to sit on the potty and pooped and pee peed. We talk about poop a lot and who poops their pants. His favorite thing to do is ask Tyler if he "poops his pants." This morning Tucker was in the bathroom with me while I was getting dressed and he asked me what I was wearing. I told him I had on my big girl underwear and he said, "Oh, so you not gonna poop you-self?" I said no. I know I should have been honest and said that thanks to him and his Sissy that I probably would pee pee myself at some point today but I figured that might confuse him.

Tyler and I have decided we kind of like our kids (despite my loss of bladder control). There are still trying times and I know there always will be but things are fun right now. Tucker can express himself and his needs and wants. Madeline is becoming more and more independent and even though it breaks my heart I am so so proud of her and what a great little girl she is becoming. Last Saturday we ended up without much on our to do lists so Tyler took Tucker to a restaurant where trains bring your food to you on a raised track. The food is just okay but the concept is really cool and Tucker loves it. So while the boys did that Madeline and I went to the mall.

I used to LOVE it when Mom would take me to Dillard's every year when they put their Christmas decorations up. Madeline and I started in the men's department and I told her how much I loved to smell the "man perfume" because it reminded me of buying new cologne for Grampsy Pampsy every year. Then we went upstairs and I showed her the teen department and the fancy dresses where Mom would buy my cotillian dresses. Then we went to check out the girls' dresses and she picked out like 80 of the fanciest ones I have ever seen that she just HAD to HAVE for the Daddy Daughter Dance in February. It was fun- her face lit up with every new dress she found that she had to have. After that we had lunch, rode the escalators, and headed to check out Santa and finally to the other end of Dillard's to see the Christmas trees. She picked out her favorite and she used my phone to take pictures of the things she loved and posed for me to take her picture.

Life is full and fun right now. Hope everybody had a happy Thanksgiving and I can't wait for Christmas.

I may be arrested today...

So Madeline is learning about community this month. And neighborhoods. And community helpers and leaders. This week their lesson coincides with "drug free week."

Monday morning I got a text message from her teacher telling me that Madeline had shared with the entire class that her Daddy had run every single stop sign on their way to school. I think they had been discussing police officers and the law. Her teacher asked if he had slowed down really slow to make sure no cars were coming and Madeline said that no, he had not even slowed down.

So Tyler got in trouble.

Then Tuesday came. I went to the school to help in her classroom and arrived after they had been there for a couple of hours. They had been discussing drugs, alcohol, caffeine and talking about what drugs are. Her teacher kept looking at me and giggling every now and then. I finally got close enough to her to ask her what she was laughing at and she told me that Madeline had shared with the class that sometimes when I have friends over I drink a glass of wine. Her teacher asked if I finished off a whole bottle or just had a glass or two and Madeline said she had not seen me finish off a bottle so her teacher explained to her that sometimes adults have a glass of wine every now and then.

I told her teacher that Tyler and I must be her "shining star" parents! But that it could be worse...that at least Madeline wasn't telling them that her Daddy and I drink bottles of wine while driving while running stop signs!! At least we weren't THAT bad!

So who knows what today will bring. The police visited her school yesterday so I guess I am safe. I felt certain that after they heard about our drinking and law breaking from Madeline that they would be here knocking on my door!

This morning

This morning was perfect. Tyler got up and went to the bathroom and I stayed in bed. I heard him come back in to the bedroom and I assumed he was just going to gather his things to take a shower and get dressed but he didn't. He climbed back in the bed and snuggled me. 10 minutes of heaven. And then Madeline came in and I pulled her up into the bed with us. She started talking so fast and said, "Um, Mommy, you know how I've been asleep, right? You know, I've been asleep for a long time...from last night until now? Well, I'm really hungry and my belly kind of hurts so you're gonna need to go ahead and make my breakfast...like you don't even have time to stretch or anything, you just need to get up. Okay? So get up now." All of this was said in her sweetest little sing-songy voice so Tyler and I just laughed and I told her to go and pee pee and that before she was done I'd have it all ready for her.

So I made her breakfast (carnation instant breakfast with warm milk warmed for a very specific 45 seconds) and turned on Curious George for her and then went back to the bathroom to see where she was. She was in the middle of a conversation with Tyler and then when I walked in she said, "Well, I am noticing something that looks about right! Daddy, your towel is green and you are a boy and green is kind of a boy color and it is your second favorite color and you have a green towel. And Mommy you love purple and purple is kind of a girl color and you have a purple towel. That sounds right to me! I'm not talking loud it is just the echo making me sound loud (her volume is steadily growing and her words are slowing so that she can hear the echo in between). You know an echo right? I'm not loud there is just a lot of glass in here and it makes my voice echo and sound louder than it does." I come out of the bathroom at this point and she says, "Did you hear what I was saying Mommy? About the echo?" Yes Madeline. I did. And I think you are very smart to know that!

I love her so much. Her thoughts are so smart and quick and observant and they come to her so fast. I was talking to my friend Rebekah the other day and we were laughing about our girls. Their imaginations. Rebekah was helping her daughter with synonyms and antonyms and Chloe was coming up with some very descriptive and complex antonyms. Rebekah said, "Hmmm, that's very good but can we break that idea down into something more simple?" I laughed and said that reminded me of Madeline. She brought home some school work the other day and here is an example- she was to draw two things that were the same in some was and then something that was different. I can't remember what the different thing was but the two that were the same were a pink bunny and a brown kangaroo hopping. Because they can hop. And she drew the action of them hopping. I'll have to post the picture. It's hilarious. Something that would have never occurred to me. I had been looking at the picture for a long time trying to figure out what it was and then Madeline explained it to me like...DUH Mommy!

Lately I've had some good days. Days where I can take breath and appreciate the moments I've been given and laugh at the ones that would normally make me frustrated or upset. This morning was a good one.

officially old

I used to love to hear stories from my mom and grandmother about when they were "little." My grandmother would show me the jitterbug. My mom told me that she actually wore a poodle skirt- not just for halloween. Mom knew real hippies. Maw didn't have a t.v. It all seemed so different and unreal. So foreign from how we live now. So long ago.

A couple of days ago Madeline asked me, "Mommy, when you were little did you have Dora the Explorer?" I said no and just kind of laughed it off. That was cute. Didn't hurt too much. Dora is a relatively new cartoon. Next was, "Did you have Ni Hao Kai Lan?" Again, no. And then came the kicker..., "Did you have computers?"

Oh my gosh! We DIDN'T have computers!!! There is something BIG and COMMON that Madeline has that I did not have when I was little! It might as well have been a CAR that she asked about! Computers are so commonplace now. How did I grow up without a COMPUTER??

So, I'm old. I might as well have been born in 1899.

Maybe I got some money...

I'll admit it. I've been obsessed with all things Madeline since she started kindergarten. Like they say- absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I have to say that Tucker and I have been having a pretty good time together. Everybody that knows him knows he is a joy. And a clown. So I wanted to share some of his latest antics.

Last week he had to go with me to show a house. The couple has a precious and pretty little girl and she was with them. Tucker took to her immediately. He kept jabbering to her and then very clearly cut his eyes at her sideways, patted his pocket, and said, "Maybe I got some money in my pocket." We all died laughing. Without missing a beat he said, "Maybe I got some keys too." Still straight faced with all of us about to pee ourselves. Their little girl is older, like 10 or so. Maybe he was trying to impress her? I asked him if he had a car and he said that he did. A pink car. Ever since he has repeated it in the funniest circumstances. He loves to talk about the money in his pocket even when he's wearing a pull-up (with no pockets). Oh, and he has never carried money in his pocket. Ever. Hilarious.

Tyler said he wished he had thought of that line in college.

He's a great kid. Pretty reasonable. Mostly sweet. He hangs tight with us and rarely gets cross. This picture was after a long day and an evening birthday party followed by an 8:30 dinner. He was great the whole time.

Sometimes Tyler and I worry about him, umm, intellectually. :-) But today he did something I think is very smart. He wanted to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and during the middle of it he ran to his room and started searching through his books. He found a book that I didn't pay attention to until he came into the living room and held it up to the t.v. He said to Mickey, "You wanna see your pit-ture?" He had a Mickey Mouse book. Pretty cute. And we don't really worry about him...besides...he seems to have athletic inclinations that may be scholarship worthy. *wink*

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Catch up- the week in photos!

At this moment Madeline and I are sitting on the couch together watching Babar. She is eating do-nuts and I am drinking coffee. She is in her favorite nightgown and will probably stay in it for as long as I let her. She loves to have time in the mornings to do nothing. I do too. Here are some photos from our busy (good) week.

Last Friday night was the annual Fishing Derby which Mom and Dad help sponsor every year. Madeline was excited to go but so exhausted from her first week of school. Tucker was tired too. Madeline caught 2 pretty good size fish but was more interested in dancing and singing around the lake so her Daddy did a lot of Barbie pole fishing and Tucker wrestling. We left early.

I think this was last Monday. Tucker slept until 10:30! Our a/c was out Sunday and part of Monday so it was WARM in the house but we had his fan going full blast. He thought it was funny to not have pj's on.

I sent Madeline to school in dog ears one day. She looked so precious. I don't usually see how much everyone says she looks like me but here she does look just like I did in kindergarten.

Madeline acts like a crazed animal every afternoon after school. I know that she has to be so proper and behaved at school so when she gets home she is wild. This was at about 7:30 one night when I would usually start ushering them to bed. Instead, she wanted to ride bikes and they ended up getting soaked by Tyler with the water hose. They had a great time.



I love her little uniforms. So sweet.


Tuesday I got to go and help in the office at school. I had lunch with Madeline and her friends. We had some serious battles about her eating just the "junk" out of her lunch and not the good stuff but after a long talk about how fortunate she is to HAVE a lunch and a threat to not send cookies any more she ate all of her sandwich and apples this week before any of the other things I pack. YAY!

Last weekend I had no rules about what she wore. So a purple princess gown was the choice for the entire weekend. Fine by me.

Madeline makes me cards or books nearly every day about how much she loves me. This one says "I love you 'mome', Madeline." The picture is of a rainbow, the sun, sky, and Serendipity. One of my favorite book characters when I was little and now, of course, one of Madeline's favorites too.

Madeline and I.

It was a great week!

Funnies

I need to make sure I document this here...

When we were at the lake for our vacation Madeline started this thing where she would introduce our family to people at the lodge and she would say that she was "born of her Mommy and Daddy, Tyler and Allison." I don't question where she comes up with this stuff...I just smile and nod.

When we got back she got a serious face one night and said she had a weird question to ask me. She wanted to know if she was really "born of" Tyler and I or if she had been "born of a King and Queen." I told her that she was ours and she asked how she could be a princess if she was "born of commoners."

I had to think quick so I told her the truth- that she was not born a princess but that I believed that some princess were princesses because they were princesses in their hearts. I explained that she was smart, kind, brave, gracious, and all of the things that a princess is supposed to be so she was a princess in her heart. A true princess. Please understand that she has ALWAYS introduced herself as "Princess Madeline" and I was not about to let that stop. She seems happy with that explanation. When we went to her school's open house I pointed out the Superintendent to her and she went right up to him, curtsied, and introduced herself to him as Princess Madeline.

And, as a side note, while Princess Madeline is at school guess what I discovered about Tucker?! He can TALK! A LOT! He makes very full intelligent sentences and we have nice conversations with one another. Our dear friend Emily helped me with Tucker the other day and she had no idea he could talk. She said they had such a great time together playing trains and talking! Emily is one of Madeline's very favorite people and Emily gives her so much time and attention when she comes. Tucker LOVED having Emily all to himself.

Madeline is doing great this week at kindergarten. When she's happy I'm happy. I volunteered at the school office Tuesday. I think every parent should have to spend at least an hour in the office. It helped me so much. I saw that the school secretary knows every single person that walks through that door. And every person she does not know had better be prepared to fully explain why they are there and leave their keys with her if she asks for them. I learned that she knows every single student there and the names of their parents. I know that I made muffins and that she took one at 9:30 and did not get a chance to eat it until 1 when I was leaving. I am going to help Madeline's teacher tomorrow morning.

One last funny about Madeline...when I told her about her Daddy's new job and how proud I am of him she asked if his new job meant we weren't commoners anymore. She wanted to know if we would be able to buy her more toys. The answer was NO.

OH, and I want to tell on myself about something. I am 34 years old and for all of my years I never understood why people used the "spare the rod, spoil the child" verse when defending the use of corporal punishment. I have ALWAYS interpreted that as a suggestion, not a warning. A suggestion that one SHOULD spare the rod and INSTEAD spoil their child. Oops.

The good and the bad

I've been accused of not having proper perspective this week so here's the good...

I have a daughter. A healthy beautiful bright daughter who can attend a school with new facilities and lots of community involvement and support. Madeline has a great kindergarten teacher who is currently on maternity leave but she seems to be transitioning well with the substitute who will be there for a couple more (fingers crossed) weeks until her teacher comes back.

We've had a pretty good weekend. Madeline was happy when I picked her up Friday. She slept over at my Mom and Dad's Saturday night and today we spent the day painting, drawing, snuggling, watching our favorite shows, and Madeline got to see our "church friends" tonight and wear her favorite new dress up dress which was a gift from a sweet cousin.

She seems fine about going to school tomorrow but she and I both look forward to the weekends. I've gone from spending almost all of my time with her to spending very little time with her during the week and we are both having a hard time adjusting.

Monday was good. Tuesday was good. Wednesday was hard. I think it was Thursday...

She evidently pushed her friend in line in front of her when they were going back to their building from lunch. She said that there was a little girl screaming behind her to go and that they get in trouble for having "gaps" in their lines so she pushed her little friend. Her friend fell down and Madeline told her she was sorry. It makes me so sad. We had a long talk Friday night about bullying and keeping our hands to ourselves- no matter what. And that teachers are there to help in situations like that. That she should not try and make someone do anything herself- especially not by force.

When she met me outside after school that same day the first thing she told me she had had to "move her star." They all start out the day with their name stars on a green ribbon and if they have bad behavior they have to move their stars down to the other colors of ribbon with the last resulting to a trip to the Principal's office. I asked her what happened and she said she had gotten in trouble for stomping but that she, "didn't do that" so I asked her teacher. Her teacher told me that a teacher on the second floor said that she had to ask Madeline several times to stay in line with her class and not to make noise in the hall (stomping). She said that Madeline "made a face" at her when she was reprimanded.

Madeline's teacher said that she thought the teacher was being hard on Madeline but that she had to move Madeline's star because the teacher had asked what disciplinary action she had taken. Madeline has NEVER gotten in trouble in school. She was so distraught over it. She cried and told me over and over that she promised she had not done those things. I told her that she needed to be sure and tell me the truth because everyone makes mistakes sometimes and that I wasn't mad at her but that I needed to know the truth. Let me just say this: Madeline has had a hard time adjusting. She is in a totally foreign environment with 2 different teachers and NOTHING in her little life is the same as it was a week ago. If she was the kind of kid who felt comfortable making a sassy face at a stranger in a new environment...to an adult...I would have known it before now. That is a serious accusation and I think that a kid that would do that on the fourth day of school would have some other big time behavioral issues going on.

Madeline does some socially awkward things. She makes strange faces when she is talked to sternly or in trouble. Like a surprised face but a silly surprised face. I knew this was what happened. So Thursday morning we went to talk to the teacher. I started out doing the best I could muster, "I'm so so sorry if Madeline misbehaved in the hall and we will work on that. And I am sorry if you thought she made a sassy face." I couldn't say (in front of Madeline) she makes an awkward face when she is in trouble. I hoped that me telling the teacher over and over what an affect this had had on Madeline and telling her that Madeline had never been in trouble at school before would make the teacher ease up a bit. But it didn't. She demonstrated the face (it was the exact face I knew it would be) and insisted that she was not incorrect and that other teachers had witnessed it too. Unbelievable. Madeline was so sad standing there listening to her and finally said, "I'm a sweet girl, I wouldn't do that, I'm a princess." SHE'S FIVE. SHE'S SCARED. I just rushed out with Madeline insisting to the teacher that she would work on the straight line thing (how ironic) and got Madeline to her seat before the pledge because she didn't want to get in trouble for missing it.

I came home sobbing (again) and called the principal to explain that I didn't mean any disrespect but that I was certain the teacher had just misunderstood Madeline's gesture. I didn't get the principal so I talked to the secretary and asked her to have the principal call me, that I was really distressed by the conversation and lo and behold I was told that I was wrong for taking Madeline with me by the secretary and I never heard from the principal. This is the second time I have attempted communication with her and gotten no response.

I wanted Madeline to see that if she felt wrongly accused of something that it was NOT okay for her to argue with a teacher but that I would always believe her as long as she told me the truth. I felt like that was a very important lesson for her to learn.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to feel. I have looked into Montessori schools, home schooling, and searched every blog on every blog of all of my friend's blogs trying to find answers, hope, comfort, anything. I came across a blog listed on my friend's blog that had a title that sounded like it might be about kindergarten. The little girl was smiling in one picture. Her principal was hugging her in the next. Then the assistant principal. Then a picture of her hugging her music teacher. And a picture of her smiling and putting up her backpack with a friend she had made at an ice cream social in the summer where she met all of her teachers. The mom said that the first day of school the older students in high school had greeted the little ones as they walked into school with welcome signs and cheers. I lost it. I told Tyler that that is what I had hoped for Madeline...for her to feel welcomed and like she mattered. I just need to see SOMEBODY be kind to my baby. I need SOMEONE to assure me that she is taken care of. I need someone to tell me that they see how bright and kind she is. I cannot sit back and watch her little heart be sad or her spirit be crushed. I know she is not perfect. I KNOW she is not perfect. I don't think she is a princess above having to behave. I tell her every morning that the two most important things to me are that she treat others the way she would want to be treated and that she be sweet and kind.

Please do not post any negative or judgemental comments. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to be positive and I am trying to get used to this. It just seems unnatural. Every part of me is crying out to have her here with me. Back home where I know how she learns best. Where I know her uncomfortable faces. Where I know that someone will correct her with kindness and compassion explaining life's lessons to her with great care so that she will understand and not just obey.

Here are my hopes for this week: That the "keep our hands to ourselves, respect personal space, and do not get in any one's face to talk" conversations have sunk in. I hope that she has FUN. I hope that she stays in a straight line when she is at school. I hope she learns something new. And I hope I get some kind of communication this week from the school because asking me to accept NO communication, no updates, no schedule, no calender or weekly plan is asking too much of me. That's just the kind of Mom I am.

Conformity

We are on day three of the kindergarten experience. Last night was hard. The day started well...I had sent Madeline's teacher a couple of text messages on the first day offering to come and help in the classroom on the mornings that I send Tucker to MDO. To my delight she texted me at 10 p.m. Monday night that she would love it if I would help out Tuesday morning. It was killing me to not know Madeline's schedule and routine there. This is a new adventure that she is experiencing without me, and I'm kind of having a hard time.

I took Madeline to school and told her I'd be back and I got there at about 9:15. Her teacher has WONDERFUL creative ideas. I put the rest of the school supplies away and then I got to have a sneak peek at her latest decorations for her "super star" theme. On the first day of school she had dressed up each kid in old-timey movie star costumes and had taken their picture. The she sent the pictures off to be enlarged to 8x10 and converted to black and white. They are amazing! I was in charge of "framing" each of them with a border so she could hang them up. Madeline was great. Even though I was there she paid attention to her teacher and behaved very well. I was proud of her and proud of all of them! I can't believe how well they all seem to adjust to this completely new environment!

Her teacher did go over the rules of the classroom. But in an interactive way- having them use hand motions and repeat the rules with her. Tyler says he is certain that all of the teachers are really hammering in the rules this week so that they can set expectations for the kids. This is where we have a problem...

Monday and Tuesday night Madeline has kind of had an attitude problem in the evenings. Dinner time and bed time have been trying and frustrating. Last night I had my back to her cleaning up her dinner and lecturing her about something (I can't remember) and when I turned around she was mimicking me, making an ugly face and using her hand to make the "blah blah blah" motions- you know what I mean?? Like talking with her hand? I was MAD. I asked her where she had learned that and she said from a Barbie movie. I told her that that was SO RUDE and that I never wanted to see her do that ever again or else she wouldn't be allowed to watch those movies. I'm saying all of this as she is following me to the bathroom for a bath and when I turn around she has totally crumpled up and is crying silently. It was then that it hit me like a ton of bricks! She's TIRED! She's EXHAUSTED! She's OVERWHELMED! Even 5 year-olds have bad days sometimes and here I was lecturing her and on her butt all night with my rules after she had spent her second day at school being informed of all of the school rules in a totally foreign environment. I pulled her to me and told her that that behavior was not okay and that I was pretty sure it had probably been a "bad" character in a Barbie movie that she saw acting that way. She confirmed that it was and said she wouldn't do it again. But then I just held her while she cried and told me how hard it was to listen to rules all day and that she just missed "being home with her Mommy and the comforts of home."

I held her for a long time, gave her a bath and then read to her, she asked me to rock her and sing to her so I did, and we visited for a bit before her Daddy came in to read. I just had to breathe, get over my stuff and my rules, and just let her unwind and be her little 5 year old self. She needs some silly time to blow off steam. Most nights and mornings I am frustrated when she is goofy while I'm brushing her teeth but last night she made funny faces and this morning she was an "Opera singing ballerina" during teeth brushing and we just giggled and giggled. I promised her that every weekend would be rule free weekends and she could wear whatever she wanted to (not wearing pink or a tiara to school has been frustrating to her) and that we would just be as carefree as we could be.

This is going to be a really long post but I have to get this all out of my head and written down so feel free to quit reading but I have a little rant now...

It donned on me last night that school is about learning- which I am fine with and appreciate- but it is also about conformity. Teaching kids to conform to rules, dress codes, and behaviors that are acceptable in society. I have beaten myself up so many times in the last week and a half for having a big fight with Madeline the night of kindergarten orientation because she wanted to wear a tiara there. She was in tears about it and I was still telling her no! WHY? Why do I sweat the small stuff? Do I want her to feel societal pressure to be just like everyone else? Absolutely not. There have been many times when she has gone out with me dressed in some interesting things and I could not be more proud of her because she DOES NOT CARE. So why did I?

I always wanted to be genuinely different and cool and have the courage to just be myself throughout school. I was always more comfortable when I had a friend that would be my "twin" for the day and we would wear matching outfits. I never felt comfortable standing out as unique or being an individual. Then I met my best friend Lindsey. I remember her in the 9th grade wearing a long tie-dyed peasant skirt and she had a short bob that she parted near the middle and she wore cool glasses. She looked so different and cool and comfortable in her skin. I wanted to be just like her. :-) We became the best of friends then and started shopping at thrift stores. I remember one day standing in a check-out line at Steinmart with Mom and the woman behind us was making a face at what I was wearing. Mom kind of made a joke at my expense laughing about the fact that she'd be happy to buy me clothes there but that I chose to get my wardrobe at the salvation army instead. I remember getting into the car with Mom and telling her that that woman judging me didn't hurt at all, but that Mom making an apology to her for my appearance did. That it was that woman that should have been ashamed, not me. Mom and I both had an ah-ha moment and she told me I was right. Mom shouldn't have worked to make the woman feel comfortable in that uncomfortable situation. That woman had the problem, not me.

So I'm having a hard time with this conformity thing at school. With the rules. Madeline told me she was "sick of rules in (her) life." I get it. She's 5. She doesn't want to walk in a straight line at everyone else's pace. She's not a straight line kind of girl. Never has been. She'd rather wonder off to find a flower to pick and give to her Mommy. I know that she has to learn that there are rules and schedules that we have to follow in the real world but 5 is awfully early isn't it? My kindergarten experience was in the early eighties and was a much more "free to be you and me" kind of place. So, I have decided to be an ever-vigilant protector of Madeline's individual personality. She is quite the individual. Her soul is precious- full of wonder, rainbows, princesses, unicorns, fairy tales and magic. I want it to stay that way as long as possible. So...rule-free weekends (to an extent). Maybe some day she'll grow up to be as cool as her Aunt Lindsey. She's got a good shot at it.

First day of Kindergarten!

This morning I woke up super early to start our new day and new adventure. I cried and prayed while making coffee and told myself that that was it- no more crying. Madeline came into our room and snuggled up in our bed to watch cartoons like normal but it was not going to be a normal day. Tyler took Tucker to my parents' house and I got Madeline's lunch packed. I found a book about Kindergarten at B&N and the little girl, Sadie, in the book took almost exactly the same lunch to kindergarten as Madeline and I had decided on for her...this is Madeline's description: "A cheese sandwich, not grilled, mustard on both sides, and no crust." She also had sunchips, cookies, ritz crackers, an apple (no peel), capri sun, and princess snacks. I cut her sandwich into the shape of a heart.


I asked her to pose for these pictures and she said, "Mom, I really don't want to take pictures next to dead plants." I promised her I'd crop them out.






We got to her class a little late but we immediately were asked to sit on the carpet with our babies and her teacher read a book, The Kissing Hand. My friend Brandy who's little girl Mary Claire had Madeline's teacher last year warned me about this book so I bought it the other day and Madeline and I have been reading it every night. I still cried while she read it, prepared or not. But Madeline never saw me cry. Her teacher shot me one of those teacher looks like- STOP IT! I realized halfway through the book that I was squeezing her so hard. I really really didn't want to let her out of my lap.


We all drew "kisses" on their hands and then we were shooed away. I didn't like that and I lost it in the hall but then I remembered my biggest promise to Madeline and I ran back into the classroom. She HATES hand sanitizer. And if you know my Madeline you know that you do not ask her to deviate from her stance on a subject she feels strongly about- she'll chew you out all the time saying that her "Momma says so!" So I bought special hand sanitizing wipes for her and she made me promise to tell her teacher that she DID NOT have to use hand sanitizer. So I got that taken care of and left again. This time I felt better because when I went back into the room her wonderful teacher had the complete attention of the class- Madeline didn't even notice me come in! She had given them an assignment- to draw a picture of their favorite movie star. I asked Madeline who she was going to draw and she said, "My favorite movie star, Sleeping Beauty!"

The theme of her class is "Stars" like movie stars and shining stars. School stars. Her teacher had popcorn and little Oscar statues on their desks along with stars hanging from the ceiling. Madeline said that she thinks she got that trophy for being a kindergartner.

School's out! Finally! Tucker and I missed her so much! We had a busy day- the power was out so we spent the afternoon out of the house but it came back on in time for Tucker to catch a quick nap and for me to make Madeline some happy first day of school cupcakes. Chocolate with pink icing.


She came home and didn't want to tell me a thing! She said she was so happy to see me so I could take her to her Mamie and Gramp's house. I convinced her to go home with me and her best friend Sydnie came to visit and brought her a sweet gift and a hug. This is the first time they haven't been in school together since they were 15 months old! Madeline says Sydnie is her "golden friend" like the song...make new friends but keep the old...

I asked her if there was any part of the day that she felt sad or nervous and she said that she missed Tyler and I when she was on the playground and didn't want to slide by herself or swing without us to push her. I asked her what she did if she didn't slide or swing and she said she, "took a deep breath in my heart- not a deep breath, but a deep breath in my heart" and went off to play something else.

She says she thinks she'll like Kindergarten but not PE, recess, or lunch because they rush her through those things. I'm trying to convince her that everything felt rushed because it was her first day. Except my day. My day was slow. I was ready to go get her at 1 and stalked the playground at 1:30. I spent my entire day thinking about her and wondering what she was doing and if she was okay. She was. I will be. But for now I still miss her. Can't wait for Labor Day.

My wish

So tonight I wish that I could have back every moment that I felt overwhelmed, exasperated, frustrated, or spent wishing that I had time to "just be me- myself, alone, with my own brain."

If I had all of those minutes back I would have more time with you before you begin this adventure tomorrow. Because tonight I realize that I became me when I had you. I don't want to be anyone else or spend time doing anything else but being your Mommy. I am so so proud of you Madeline. You shine.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Our day

Madeline and I had a "girl day girl day!"

For as long as I can remember Madeline's favorite days have been "girl day girl day" or "home day home day." Girl day is when she and I get time together alone- without the boys.

This morning we dropped Tucker off to school. And I need to stop for a moment and document something here for Tucker. Tucker, your sister loves you so so much. Every morning she walks you into Mother's Day Out and pulls out your chair. She waits for you to sit down and she scoots you up to your snack. She kisses you on your head and ruffles your hair and tells you, "Bye!" And that she loves you. There has been ONE morning that I rushed her away from you and didn't give her time to kiss you. She cried all the way to her room so I let her go back and love on you. I was super late for work but it didn't matter. It is going to be so strange to not have her helping me take Tucker to school this Fall.

Back to girl day. We dropped off Tucker and set off for do-nuts. She wanted to go inside to eat so we sat there alone in the shop and visited. She wanted to know where the people who own the shop were from and she suspected that they were from China because "they have black hair." I told her she could ask them and they told her about Cambodia. We looked at the satellite map of Cambodia on my phone and they told her it was close to China. She was so excited that she was "kind of right." She heard them speaking to one another and told them that she only spoke 1 language because she was, "just a white person" and said that she was learning some French and Spanish. The "white person" comment required some discussion once we got in the car. She is noticing colors of skin and hair. I'm a "tanned-skin person" and she's a white person. I explained to her as best and as innocently as I could -trying not to make her feel bad- that people come from all over the world to live and work in America and that no matter what color skin someone has or what language they speak that once they move to America they just want to be called Americans.

Whew...the talking never stops and I never know what will come out of her mouth. I've never been embarrassed by anything she has said because I always know what she means but I do have to do some explaining sometimes. And Madeline's stories aren't short. If you ask her a question be prepared for an extended answer. If you don't have time to really listen to what she has to say then you just shouldn't talk to her. I feel bad when someone tries to rush her through an answer. She has so much to say and if you slow down and take the time to listen her responses are fascinating. I've thought about explaining to her that some people just want a short concise answer but I'm not going to. I think we should all slow down and really listen to what one another has to say. Madeline and I are starting a revolution.

On to shopping...I wanted to get her a new backpack but last night we had a LONG talk about wanting things versus needing things and I had just about lost it several times yesterday because of her always asking for things in a store...toys...clothes...whatever. I want her to be appreciative of what she has. So on the way to the store she said she would give her current backpack to someone less fortunate and I agreed to go and look at the new backpacks. She has a new princess backpack for kindergarten.

Then we went to get her school supplies. She was great. So sociable and sweet to everyone we met in the isles and little to no asking for things. We got everything we needed and had lunch together. She wanted me to color with her while we were waiting for our food and it was so nice to just sit there with her in the quiet and color. I had forgotten what Madeline is like. Madeline by herself not competing for attention with Tucker. She is so easy. Such an easy, kind, reasonable girl to love. I loved our day together. After lunch we went to pick up Tuck and we were so happy to get him back. They spent the entire afternoon chasing each other and playing.

It has been a great day.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A little vacation and a little tooth

First, Madeline lost her first tooth last night at Vacation Bible School. It has been loose for a long time and Saturday night she went home from the Lake with my mom and dad with STRICT instructions NOT to lose that tooth until I got home on Sunday. She has been nervous about it falling out and if it would hurt. Sunday night she took a bite of pizza, spit out the tooth, and handed it to me! I was so surprised and so thankful that I am her VBS teacher this year so that I could be there to see her lose that tooth! She was so excited. The tooth fairy brought her this sparkly letter (that she thinks is her ground up tooth for some reason), a BEAUTIFUL tooth pillow that she will place her little teeth in for the tooth fairy (I hear the tooth fairy's official pillow maker stayed up until midnight making it for her. That pillow maker makes beautiful things for all of her friend's babies and MAN are we blessed that she loves our babies so much), and a $1 bill and a $10 bill. I think the tooth fairy may have visited her twice.


This is Madeline on the last night of our little vacation. We had seen this dress at Cracker Barrel on the way to the lake and she fell in love with it. I promised her that if she was good all week that we would get it for her. She was great. So was Tucker. She wore it with pride to dinner. Just a side note here...at the same moment that Madeline got dressed up and headed out with my Mom and Dad to go and watch a wedding that was about to take place on the grounds of the lodge where we stayed the bride walked down the hallway wearing a poofier pink dress than Madeline's. I thought she would LOVE that she saw the bride. I asked her about it at dinner and she told me (I swear I couldn't make this up y'all) that, "Sometimes when she sees someone else dressed up that looks prettier than (her) that it makes (her) feel jealous." That she doesn't like for anyone else to be dressed up when she is. I told her that she was beautiful and that she should never feel jealous when someone else is pretty too because she is beautiful inside and out and that everyone can see that. OMG. What am I going to do with this girl?


I grew up at this restaurant. I have such vivid memories of going here with my family. I LOVED sharing my childhood memories of this lake and of my family with my kids and Tyler. Madeline loved hearing stories about me and repeated them to strangers every chance she got!




Madeline was so brave. She has NEVER let go of me to swim without her life vest. On this trip she was swimming in deep water with her life vest. She gained so much confidence.


Tucker had a great time too. I wish I could share a video here of Tyler and how many times he stole kisses from Tucker while they were swimming together. I have sweet sweet boys. I love them so much.




Tucker's favorite place to take a nap. The second day that we went out on the boat he asked me to fix the fish for him so he could rest. Within 15 seconds he was out.


Tucker took a monstrous poop at the beach the (only) time we went. I didn't know it until I had already started taking off his sloshy wet swim diaper and I deserve a medal for not throwing up. Moms are awesome. We deal with some nasty stuff.


Madeline enjoyed burying treasure.


My babies at the playground.










Every night the kids snuggled up to watch a bit of a dvd and then Tyler and I would sleep with one of them in the double beds. We would all go to sleep around 11 and wake up around 8. Except the first night when Tucker woke up Tyler at 4 a.m. and then every hour until 8 a.m. saying, "Dada, wake up Dada!" Tyler was so patient. He would just say- not now buddy, go back to sleep.


We took some of the kid's toys. Tucker's trains and Madeline's art supplies and paper. I'll have to post the "books" she made for me every day. I have 5 special I love you Mommy books. They're great. Here was a rare moment when Tucker decided to do art with Madeline but instead of coloring note that he is drawing with a glue stick.


Everything is better on a boat in the sun after a good swim. We had SUCH a good time together. It was exactly what I needed. My phone didn't work very well in the lodge which was perfect. Madeline was me all over again and Tucker was a joy. This was a great great family vacation.