Rouge!

I bought "Little Pim" French language dvds for Madeline when she was 2. We watched them for a while but honestly my good intentions fell by the wayside and Little Pim is collecting dust along with Baby Einstein. Tucker much prefers "Chuck and Friends" and "Chuggington" and I figured if anyone were ever going to learn French it would be Madeline.

But last night Tucker and I were talking about the colors of his trains and we went through red, yellow, and green in English, French, and Spanish. A few minutes ago we were outside playing in the driveway and Tucker started pointing to an engine in the picture on the box his train set came in and saying, "ROUGE! ROUGE! ROUGE!"

I didn't comprehend what he was talking about at first but when I finally figured it out I screamed! How exciting! He was pointing to the red engine! He remembered!

So, I'll teach BOTH of my kids French. I feel a renewed dedication to it. And I'll take BOTH of them with me there- someday...

My Madeline

My Madeline turned 5 yesterday.

I really and truly have no idea how this happened. I remember 1-3 very well. And then we had Tucker. And then it's all a blur and somehow here we are 5 years later. The thought of another 5 going by this fast is unbearable to me.

Man it has been a good 5 years. Not that we haven't had our problems. But the amazing thing that is happening now is that Madeline is ME. So we understand each other. Sometimes we argue because we are so much alike but if I take a moment to remember what it was like to be in that little tiny 5 year old body with that same giant sensitive heart then we get along famously.

I love my girl so so much. She is so creative and smart. So observant. She points out things that I miss that are mind blowing. She is the best artist. And fun. And funny. Most of the time she is very precise and particular but when she lets her hair down she is one silly girl. I love the way she dances. I love her silly deep voices. I love how much she loves her brother. And I love that she loves to help me.

Tonight she asked for a job while I made dinner. I didn't have one for her but in a few minutes Tucker asked for an apple while I was in the middle of dinner so she got one out, washed it, dried it, and cut it for him. Awesome. She is also a great cook. And nearly perfect at cracking eggs.

I love that she plays sweetly with her dolls. I love how she takes care of her babies.

I love that she says "sprites" instead of stings. I love that she says "amen't I" instead of aren't I. And if you say "yes you am" to make everything agree incorrectly she corrects you- "no mommy, it's yes you ARE." Like -DUH!

Happy birthday to my favorite girl in the world. Loving you is like getting to love the whole world as an open-hearted 5 year old all over again. Thank you for sharing all of your joy.

and then there was poop...

So, everyone go back and read my last post, then this one, and then have a good chuckle at what a difference a day makes.

Yesterday afternoon, evening, and this morning Madeline and I had several conversations about the fact that she and Tucker would have to go to work with me today and help me "sell a house."

So, she was excited to give "tours to all of the happy couples" and make "tickets" for everyone. That is what she spent the morning doing and then it was time to give her a bath.

Well, first, she walked into the living room and told me that while she was in the play room "pooting" that she had gotten some "wet stuff" in her pants. Well, it wasn't pee pee so into the bathtub she went. I let the tub fill with her in it and finished an email and when I went into the bathroom she had pooped again- in the full tub. So we drained the tub, scrubbed the tub, and she got back in but now the water was luke warm at best. So she screamed at me. And never stopped screaming at me until I finally lost my temper and screamed back and then we were both sad. I got her out of the tub, dried off, and dressed and went to get myself dressed. I was on the phone doing business when she came to tell me that she had pooped her pants again "because she didn't feel like stopping playing to go to the potty."

I kept calm, got her cleaned up again and changed her clothes again and told her that if she did it again I was going to put her in diapers. She DOES NOT want to wear baby diapers so hopefully this was just an attention thing that is over now.

But whew, what a morning and a wake up call- back to reality!

just some thoughts...

Madeline and Tucker came home today. Friday I thought I needed a break so bad that my head might explode. Today I was so happy to see them that I thought my heart might explode.

I was on the phone with my mother in law Friday and told her that she could take the kids for a visit any time. I think she heard the desperation in my voice and offered to take them that day. I took the kids by the doctor's office before they went because Madeline had had a cough that wouldn't go away and had contributed to my lunacy and Tucker had a raw bottom he kept scratching at. I honestly could not remember the last time I had slept through the night and I felt so exhausted that I could not carry out my duties as Mom, wife, Realtor, daughter and friend. I was dropping responsibilities left and right in favor of sitting and staring and trying not to fall asleep standing. So we got meds for the kids, I was certain they were going to be fine, and off we went to drop them off with Kaye.

Tyler and I barely spoke driving home. Our back seat was empty of car seats and full of crumbs and very very quiet. I don't remember what we did Friday night but I know I woke up on Saturday morning with a sore back from sleeping so long! I think I was asleep for 10 hours. Amazing.

We went about doing chores all day and I caught up on some work that had been overwhelming me but again, it was quiet. Very very quiet.

We went out with friends that night and had a much needed adult date but when we came home quiet met us at the door. I mean, this just goes on and on...I kept thinking...this is what it would be like if we didn't have kids...would I like it? The answer was a resounding NO! I mean, I love Tyler and I hope that some day we will have plenty to talk about after the kids are involved in their own things but right now out lives DO revolve around them- and that's okay with me.

When I saw them at Mimi and Papa's house today they both ran into my arms. My arms had missed Tucker's weight. He put his head on my shoulder and Madeline hugged my leg for a long time. Tonight I was making grilled cheese and cutting apples and cutting off crusts and I felt very much like myself. I looked into my living room that had stressed me out to the breaking point on Friday because of all of the clutter and realized that it looked better with the toys all strewn back out. It had been way too clean over the weekend. And after the kids had had their "picnic" in the living room I was back in the "cleaned" kitchen cleaning it up again and felt so FULL of happiness at the sound of Madeline giggling with her daddy. You know that feeling? Full to the brim with joy? I love that feeling.

So, I am happy tonight. That's not to say that they won't drive me a little looney tomorrow but I think I'll be okay. I'm blessed to have been given a little time off and the opportunity to regain some perspective. Thanks Tom. Thanks Kaye. Thanks Bliss. Thanks Hannah. Thanks Alyssa. I love you guys very very much.

STOP TIME

Last night as I got Tucker ready for bed Madeline came to join us in Tucker's room, climbed up in the rocking chair, and started rocking and talking to me. Let me first say that the rocking chair has been something that Madeline and I have had several conversations about through the years but especially since Tucker came. It used to be in her room. I used to rock her every night. It has been back and forth between their rooms several times but last night she laid into me. It was bad.

She said that I never rock her anymore. That I used to rock her for a long time every night and sing her lullaby's until she fell asleep but that ever since Tucker came that we do that with him. Now, the reality is that Madeline never cared to be rocked every night when she was little. She was rocked when she was a baby baby but as soon as she figured out that sleep was a good thing she just wanted to be laid down. No rocking. And when she was 2 and a half she got a big girl bed and we sit or lay down with her in her big girl bed every night to read to her. Now, right after Tucker came there was a period of time that I was wrought with mommy guilt and I moved her rocking chair into her room and sang her "bird song" to her for several nights but that was short lived...she was fine and wanted Tucker to have the rocking chair. But her perception is what it is so I just continued listening to her as I put lotion and diaper cream on Tucker...

She said that ever since Tucker came that he is our "new baby" and that we only pay attention to him. That we never really play with her. That we "tickle her neck sometimes and snuggle with her" but that we never play with her. And that she feels like we don't pay attention to her.

I stood there and really thought about what to say and what to do. I asked her if having the rocking chair in her room was really important to her. She said yes. That it was her rocking chair and she wanted it back. I told her that I never knew that having it was that important to her and that I never intended to make her sad and that I would do whatever she wanted me to to make her feel happy. I told her that I had been thinking about the playing thing a lot lately too and that I knew I needed to be better about sitting down and really playing with her. That I would try and be better about that too. She had started crying really quietly- just little tears running down. No big production- like she was trying not to. This made the whole thing worse because I knew that this was not just an attention manipulation, I knew her little feelings really were hurt.

It's hard for me to balance mothering both of them. I think a lot of it has to do with them being different sexes. If all three of us could sit down and quietly play barbies or if Tucker wanted to play barbies with her it would be easier. But he doesn't. She gets her barbie scenario totally put together with her barbies and props set up just so and Tucker comes and levels it all. It happens a million times a day. And it enrages her. She is such a precise little creature. She loves orderly play and has such a great imagination. I try to incorporate their play- make a train track around a princess kingdom- but it never works out. Usually I put off barbies and make overs until Tucker goes down for a nap and then I'm so desperate for an hour of alone time (or work time) that I put on a movie for her and then our barbie time is gone...it's hard. I'm trying to work it out.

Last night I started to moving the rocking chair into her room but halfway down the hallway I got over it. Got over all of the guilt. It was a breakthrough. I love her. I adore her. She has a great life. Sometimes the t.v. takes up more of her day than I feel good about but our days are full- she is a well taken care of blessed little girl. And life DOES change when the "new baby" comes. I would have loved to have been able to sit and rock her last night but Tyler was working late. And, like I told her as I was pulling the rocking chair back to Tucker's room, Tucker is in a crib- there would be no place for us to sit and read him stories if he didn't have a rocking chair. And we don't spend hours singing to Tucker and rocking him- he won't even let me get two words of any lullaby out before he cuts me off and abruptly points to his bed in order to get me to stop singing and lay him down!

So, she said it was fine for her rocking chair to stay in his room and I explained to her that I adored her. That I was proud of her. That I loved how smart she is, how funny she is and what a sweet daughter and big sister she is. I told her that I would read to her and hold her in her bed and rock with her if she wanted me to. And that I promised I would make time to play with her whenever I could.

I know life changed. But none of us would ever want to change it back. Of course there are things I miss but as soon as I miss something that little spot gets filled up and overflowing with a new memory and a new moment taking place in our family as it exists now- this wonderful family of four.

Madeline went to sleep happy last night. Tucker was waiting for me in the living room singing "I-N-G-O" and "itsy bitsy sider" after Madeline was all tucked in. I sat in the rocking chair with Tucker, read him 4 books, turned off the light and tried to rock him and sing him a lullaby but he pointed to the bed as soon as the light went off and said, "SLEEPY!"

This morning Madeline got ready for Western day at school. They were asked to wear western attire and bring a stick horse. I was up until midnight making Madeline's hat. It is her Daddy's hat with a few new embellishments. She loves it. And her stick horse is a borrowed stick UNICORN! How cool is that? Thanks Mary Claire. She was so proud to walk into school today. They are having hot dogs, beans, and smores for lunch. She is one lucky little girl. And I need time to stop. Right now.

Once bitten

Tyler had to work very late last night so the kids and I had a long- but good- day. Madeline decided she wanted to feed Tucker his dinner and she did. She spoon fed him almost every bite of his peas and macaroni. Then dessert. Fruit loops (give me a break on the health content...Tyler was gone). She picked up each one and fed him- taking care to place each one in his mouth. Tucker bit her. He got excited and bit her really really hard. She cried but after she calmed down she started back with the fruit loops but this time her little hand was shaking as she got near his mouth and she dropped every fruit loop before he got close enough to bite her again. He thought it was hilarious. We all three belly laughed! Madeline's was nervous laughter. Tucker's was bad -I'm gonna eat you- laughter. I love my kids.