just some thoughts...

Madeline and Tucker came home today. Friday I thought I needed a break so bad that my head might explode. Today I was so happy to see them that I thought my heart might explode.

I was on the phone with my mother in law Friday and told her that she could take the kids for a visit any time. I think she heard the desperation in my voice and offered to take them that day. I took the kids by the doctor's office before they went because Madeline had had a cough that wouldn't go away and had contributed to my lunacy and Tucker had a raw bottom he kept scratching at. I honestly could not remember the last time I had slept through the night and I felt so exhausted that I could not carry out my duties as Mom, wife, Realtor, daughter and friend. I was dropping responsibilities left and right in favor of sitting and staring and trying not to fall asleep standing. So we got meds for the kids, I was certain they were going to be fine, and off we went to drop them off with Kaye.

Tyler and I barely spoke driving home. Our back seat was empty of car seats and full of crumbs and very very quiet. I don't remember what we did Friday night but I know I woke up on Saturday morning with a sore back from sleeping so long! I think I was asleep for 10 hours. Amazing.

We went about doing chores all day and I caught up on some work that had been overwhelming me but again, it was quiet. Very very quiet.

We went out with friends that night and had a much needed adult date but when we came home quiet met us at the door. I mean, this just goes on and on...I kept thinking...this is what it would be like if we didn't have kids...would I like it? The answer was a resounding NO! I mean, I love Tyler and I hope that some day we will have plenty to talk about after the kids are involved in their own things but right now out lives DO revolve around them- and that's okay with me.

When I saw them at Mimi and Papa's house today they both ran into my arms. My arms had missed Tucker's weight. He put his head on my shoulder and Madeline hugged my leg for a long time. Tonight I was making grilled cheese and cutting apples and cutting off crusts and I felt very much like myself. I looked into my living room that had stressed me out to the breaking point on Friday because of all of the clutter and realized that it looked better with the toys all strewn back out. It had been way too clean over the weekend. And after the kids had had their "picnic" in the living room I was back in the "cleaned" kitchen cleaning it up again and felt so FULL of happiness at the sound of Madeline giggling with her daddy. You know that feeling? Full to the brim with joy? I love that feeling.

So, I am happy tonight. That's not to say that they won't drive me a little looney tomorrow but I think I'll be okay. I'm blessed to have been given a little time off and the opportunity to regain some perspective. Thanks Tom. Thanks Kaye. Thanks Bliss. Thanks Hannah. Thanks Alyssa. I love you guys very very much.