Christmas time!

It has really been hard for me to write lately! This season is filled with so much joy and excitement and love for me, my family, and the kids but in my own heart it has been especially sad this year too. My brother and nephew feel so close to me in my heart and mind yet I am dealing with the reality if how long they have been gone, how much life has changed, and how much I wish they were here with me still.

Madeline is the same age Luke was and in 6 months I will be the same age Lou was when we lost them. My last Christmas with the boys was a great one. I've gone into the kid's playroom a million times lately to get down the album with pictures of the boys off the shelf but I haven't yet. Maybe I can soon. And maybe I can share some of my stories about them here. Hopefully some day Madeline and Tucker can find peace here in some of my stories about them to temper the sadness of their loss.

But we have made some precious memories this year. I love my babies so much even though parenting can be the most difficult job in the world- I totally agree with the feeling that it is also the most rewarding.



Our tree is not fancy. I didn't put big mesh ribbons on it this year. I kept thinking that I needed big wide wired red ribbon- not mesh. I could picture what I wanted in my mind but never had a chance to get out and look for it. Then I found it. I was cleaning out my hope chest to make room for Madeline's art and treasures and I found a picture album I had made in high school. I saw that the ribbon I grew up with was exactly the ribbon I had been dreaming about. I immediately told Mom and Dad that I loved them. And that despite all of the hardships my family went through over the years dealing with loss and the struggle with my brother's mental illness that they had always made Christmas so beautiful and special. My life, the memories I made with Mom and Dad, our traditions, all of it was great. Now that I'm a parent I don't know how they managed. And I love them even more knowing that they went way beyond just managing. My memories are precious.



Tucker and I made a ginger train to go along with Madeline's annual ginger house.



This was at Big Cedar. Tucker had just demolished Tyler's log house. The look on his face says it all.



Tucker's hand (and foot) reindeer. He giggled the entire time we painted his hands and feet.



Madeline and I had some precious time together at the state Capitol after her performance.



Madeline's shirt this year was decorated with some of her found treasures that we keep in a jar.



Our cookies we're about to leave for Santa. I made the "I love Santa" one. Because I do. Very very much.



Our "damn cookies." which turned out great.

Merry Christmas.