Conformity

We are on day three of the kindergarten experience. Last night was hard. The day started well...I had sent Madeline's teacher a couple of text messages on the first day offering to come and help in the classroom on the mornings that I send Tucker to MDO. To my delight she texted me at 10 p.m. Monday night that she would love it if I would help out Tuesday morning. It was killing me to not know Madeline's schedule and routine there. This is a new adventure that she is experiencing without me, and I'm kind of having a hard time.

I took Madeline to school and told her I'd be back and I got there at about 9:15. Her teacher has WONDERFUL creative ideas. I put the rest of the school supplies away and then I got to have a sneak peek at her latest decorations for her "super star" theme. On the first day of school she had dressed up each kid in old-timey movie star costumes and had taken their picture. The she sent the pictures off to be enlarged to 8x10 and converted to black and white. They are amazing! I was in charge of "framing" each of them with a border so she could hang them up. Madeline was great. Even though I was there she paid attention to her teacher and behaved very well. I was proud of her and proud of all of them! I can't believe how well they all seem to adjust to this completely new environment!

Her teacher did go over the rules of the classroom. But in an interactive way- having them use hand motions and repeat the rules with her. Tyler says he is certain that all of the teachers are really hammering in the rules this week so that they can set expectations for the kids. This is where we have a problem...

Monday and Tuesday night Madeline has kind of had an attitude problem in the evenings. Dinner time and bed time have been trying and frustrating. Last night I had my back to her cleaning up her dinner and lecturing her about something (I can't remember) and when I turned around she was mimicking me, making an ugly face and using her hand to make the "blah blah blah" motions- you know what I mean?? Like talking with her hand? I was MAD. I asked her where she had learned that and she said from a Barbie movie. I told her that that was SO RUDE and that I never wanted to see her do that ever again or else she wouldn't be allowed to watch those movies. I'm saying all of this as she is following me to the bathroom for a bath and when I turn around she has totally crumpled up and is crying silently. It was then that it hit me like a ton of bricks! She's TIRED! She's EXHAUSTED! She's OVERWHELMED! Even 5 year-olds have bad days sometimes and here I was lecturing her and on her butt all night with my rules after she had spent her second day at school being informed of all of the school rules in a totally foreign environment. I pulled her to me and told her that that behavior was not okay and that I was pretty sure it had probably been a "bad" character in a Barbie movie that she saw acting that way. She confirmed that it was and said she wouldn't do it again. But then I just held her while she cried and told me how hard it was to listen to rules all day and that she just missed "being home with her Mommy and the comforts of home."

I held her for a long time, gave her a bath and then read to her, she asked me to rock her and sing to her so I did, and we visited for a bit before her Daddy came in to read. I just had to breathe, get over my stuff and my rules, and just let her unwind and be her little 5 year old self. She needs some silly time to blow off steam. Most nights and mornings I am frustrated when she is goofy while I'm brushing her teeth but last night she made funny faces and this morning she was an "Opera singing ballerina" during teeth brushing and we just giggled and giggled. I promised her that every weekend would be rule free weekends and she could wear whatever she wanted to (not wearing pink or a tiara to school has been frustrating to her) and that we would just be as carefree as we could be.

This is going to be a really long post but I have to get this all out of my head and written down so feel free to quit reading but I have a little rant now...

It donned on me last night that school is about learning- which I am fine with and appreciate- but it is also about conformity. Teaching kids to conform to rules, dress codes, and behaviors that are acceptable in society. I have beaten myself up so many times in the last week and a half for having a big fight with Madeline the night of kindergarten orientation because she wanted to wear a tiara there. She was in tears about it and I was still telling her no! WHY? Why do I sweat the small stuff? Do I want her to feel societal pressure to be just like everyone else? Absolutely not. There have been many times when she has gone out with me dressed in some interesting things and I could not be more proud of her because she DOES NOT CARE. So why did I?

I always wanted to be genuinely different and cool and have the courage to just be myself throughout school. I was always more comfortable when I had a friend that would be my "twin" for the day and we would wear matching outfits. I never felt comfortable standing out as unique or being an individual. Then I met my best friend Lindsey. I remember her in the 9th grade wearing a long tie-dyed peasant skirt and she had a short bob that she parted near the middle and she wore cool glasses. She looked so different and cool and comfortable in her skin. I wanted to be just like her. :-) We became the best of friends then and started shopping at thrift stores. I remember one day standing in a check-out line at Steinmart with Mom and the woman behind us was making a face at what I was wearing. Mom kind of made a joke at my expense laughing about the fact that she'd be happy to buy me clothes there but that I chose to get my wardrobe at the salvation army instead. I remember getting into the car with Mom and telling her that that woman judging me didn't hurt at all, but that Mom making an apology to her for my appearance did. That it was that woman that should have been ashamed, not me. Mom and I both had an ah-ha moment and she told me I was right. Mom shouldn't have worked to make the woman feel comfortable in that uncomfortable situation. That woman had the problem, not me.

So I'm having a hard time with this conformity thing at school. With the rules. Madeline told me she was "sick of rules in (her) life." I get it. She's 5. She doesn't want to walk in a straight line at everyone else's pace. She's not a straight line kind of girl. Never has been. She'd rather wonder off to find a flower to pick and give to her Mommy. I know that she has to learn that there are rules and schedules that we have to follow in the real world but 5 is awfully early isn't it? My kindergarten experience was in the early eighties and was a much more "free to be you and me" kind of place. So, I have decided to be an ever-vigilant protector of Madeline's individual personality. She is quite the individual. Her soul is precious- full of wonder, rainbows, princesses, unicorns, fairy tales and magic. I want it to stay that way as long as possible. So...rule-free weekends (to an extent). Maybe some day she'll grow up to be as cool as her Aunt Lindsey. She's got a good shot at it.