The good and the bad

I've been accused of not having proper perspective this week so here's the good...

I have a daughter. A healthy beautiful bright daughter who can attend a school with new facilities and lots of community involvement and support. Madeline has a great kindergarten teacher who is currently on maternity leave but she seems to be transitioning well with the substitute who will be there for a couple more (fingers crossed) weeks until her teacher comes back.

We've had a pretty good weekend. Madeline was happy when I picked her up Friday. She slept over at my Mom and Dad's Saturday night and today we spent the day painting, drawing, snuggling, watching our favorite shows, and Madeline got to see our "church friends" tonight and wear her favorite new dress up dress which was a gift from a sweet cousin.

She seems fine about going to school tomorrow but she and I both look forward to the weekends. I've gone from spending almost all of my time with her to spending very little time with her during the week and we are both having a hard time adjusting.

Monday was good. Tuesday was good. Wednesday was hard. I think it was Thursday...

She evidently pushed her friend in line in front of her when they were going back to their building from lunch. She said that there was a little girl screaming behind her to go and that they get in trouble for having "gaps" in their lines so she pushed her little friend. Her friend fell down and Madeline told her she was sorry. It makes me so sad. We had a long talk Friday night about bullying and keeping our hands to ourselves- no matter what. And that teachers are there to help in situations like that. That she should not try and make someone do anything herself- especially not by force.

When she met me outside after school that same day the first thing she told me she had had to "move her star." They all start out the day with their name stars on a green ribbon and if they have bad behavior they have to move their stars down to the other colors of ribbon with the last resulting to a trip to the Principal's office. I asked her what happened and she said she had gotten in trouble for stomping but that she, "didn't do that" so I asked her teacher. Her teacher told me that a teacher on the second floor said that she had to ask Madeline several times to stay in line with her class and not to make noise in the hall (stomping). She said that Madeline "made a face" at her when she was reprimanded.

Madeline's teacher said that she thought the teacher was being hard on Madeline but that she had to move Madeline's star because the teacher had asked what disciplinary action she had taken. Madeline has NEVER gotten in trouble in school. She was so distraught over it. She cried and told me over and over that she promised she had not done those things. I told her that she needed to be sure and tell me the truth because everyone makes mistakes sometimes and that I wasn't mad at her but that I needed to know the truth. Let me just say this: Madeline has had a hard time adjusting. She is in a totally foreign environment with 2 different teachers and NOTHING in her little life is the same as it was a week ago. If she was the kind of kid who felt comfortable making a sassy face at a stranger in a new environment...to an adult...I would have known it before now. That is a serious accusation and I think that a kid that would do that on the fourth day of school would have some other big time behavioral issues going on.

Madeline does some socially awkward things. She makes strange faces when she is talked to sternly or in trouble. Like a surprised face but a silly surprised face. I knew this was what happened. So Thursday morning we went to talk to the teacher. I started out doing the best I could muster, "I'm so so sorry if Madeline misbehaved in the hall and we will work on that. And I am sorry if you thought she made a sassy face." I couldn't say (in front of Madeline) she makes an awkward face when she is in trouble. I hoped that me telling the teacher over and over what an affect this had had on Madeline and telling her that Madeline had never been in trouble at school before would make the teacher ease up a bit. But it didn't. She demonstrated the face (it was the exact face I knew it would be) and insisted that she was not incorrect and that other teachers had witnessed it too. Unbelievable. Madeline was so sad standing there listening to her and finally said, "I'm a sweet girl, I wouldn't do that, I'm a princess." SHE'S FIVE. SHE'S SCARED. I just rushed out with Madeline insisting to the teacher that she would work on the straight line thing (how ironic) and got Madeline to her seat before the pledge because she didn't want to get in trouble for missing it.

I came home sobbing (again) and called the principal to explain that I didn't mean any disrespect but that I was certain the teacher had just misunderstood Madeline's gesture. I didn't get the principal so I talked to the secretary and asked her to have the principal call me, that I was really distressed by the conversation and lo and behold I was told that I was wrong for taking Madeline with me by the secretary and I never heard from the principal. This is the second time I have attempted communication with her and gotten no response.

I wanted Madeline to see that if she felt wrongly accused of something that it was NOT okay for her to argue with a teacher but that I would always believe her as long as she told me the truth. I felt like that was a very important lesson for her to learn.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to feel. I have looked into Montessori schools, home schooling, and searched every blog on every blog of all of my friend's blogs trying to find answers, hope, comfort, anything. I came across a blog listed on my friend's blog that had a title that sounded like it might be about kindergarten. The little girl was smiling in one picture. Her principal was hugging her in the next. Then the assistant principal. Then a picture of her hugging her music teacher. And a picture of her smiling and putting up her backpack with a friend she had made at an ice cream social in the summer where she met all of her teachers. The mom said that the first day of school the older students in high school had greeted the little ones as they walked into school with welcome signs and cheers. I lost it. I told Tyler that that is what I had hoped for Madeline...for her to feel welcomed and like she mattered. I just need to see SOMEBODY be kind to my baby. I need SOMEONE to assure me that she is taken care of. I need someone to tell me that they see how bright and kind she is. I cannot sit back and watch her little heart be sad or her spirit be crushed. I know she is not perfect. I KNOW she is not perfect. I don't think she is a princess above having to behave. I tell her every morning that the two most important things to me are that she treat others the way she would want to be treated and that she be sweet and kind.

Please do not post any negative or judgemental comments. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to be positive and I am trying to get used to this. It just seems unnatural. Every part of me is crying out to have her here with me. Back home where I know how she learns best. Where I know her uncomfortable faces. Where I know that someone will correct her with kindness and compassion explaining life's lessons to her with great care so that she will understand and not just obey.

Here are my hopes for this week: That the "keep our hands to ourselves, respect personal space, and do not get in any one's face to talk" conversations have sunk in. I hope that she has FUN. I hope that she stays in a straight line when she is at school. I hope she learns something new. And I hope I get some kind of communication this week from the school because asking me to accept NO communication, no updates, no schedule, no calender or weekly plan is asking too much of me. That's just the kind of Mom I am.