Just being real...

So this blog is intended to be a place to keep a diary of my life, my kids, and my heart. The blogs I read that I enjoy most are the ones that give me a bit of insight into the head and heart of the mother writing it. I am always able to find some insight, share some joy or sorrow, or appreciate some honesty- hoping someone might find some hope or insight in this post...

I was around 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried about 8 months ago. If I were holding and nursing a newborn right now no one would say that back in November I was not really pregnant. The only way I can deal with that loss and missing that baby now is to think that that little soul is still living- but the body that it was to come in was not the right body at that time.

I think I am feeling this loss lately because Tucker is at the age when we might consider having another child but instead we have decided to put it off for a while- maybe indefinitely, which is really hard to think about.

I am really good at having babies. I know that sounds silly but I LOVE being pregnant. I love labor. I love delivery. After that things get a little foggy for a few months but gimme a gummy smile and I am a pretty darn good mom. The thought of not experiencing that miracle again is gut-wrenching and makes the loss of our last pregnancy even harder for me. Sometimes I feel like I would want to just keep having babies for as long as I could...totally Dugger-like, I know, but the thought of a family full of babies and siblings is a warm fuzzy thought to me. I lost my brother and I am not a sister anymore- I want to make sure that my kids have plenty of family around for the rest of their lives. I guess for now though I just need to keep focusing on making sure that they are sweet to one another and that they love each other.

I am enjoying the age my kids are now. And I am enjoying their mobility and the activities that come along with that. I look forward to every new day with them and seeing what new thought Madeline adds to our lives or what new word or trick Tucker comes up with. We laugh a lot and play a lot and I am so blessed to have exactly the life I have right now...but I do wonder what it would be like with that new little life in our arms.

Tucker has a bit of a runny nose right now and is having a hard time napping. Madeline has a bad cough and is watching a movie in my room (so she doesn't wake up Tucker) but she keeps screaming at the top of her lungs for this or that and I keep dropping whatever I am doing to dash back there before she screams again. Add newborn to the mix and I am pretty sure it would be a pretty hairy day- but a good one. So, this is what I am feeling right now- the loss of a beautiful idea but the hope for the continued growth and well being of the two babies that I do get to hold in my arms...right now.