Honoring Family

A couple of weeks ago a dear friend of mine and her husband suffered a great tragedy. Her husband's grandfather's life was cut short and their family was left stunned and saddened. I have wanted to post these thoughts ever since I had the honor of attending the funeral of this man I never met but I didn't think I could express myself clearly enough. I still may not be able to but I had a long needed conversation with Mom and Dad on Tuesday and I feel like my thoughts are a little more composed so here goes...

Growing up I loved my Mom and Dad. But as a child, kid, teen, early adult, and for me, sadly, full grown adult, I was so selfish and self centered. It honestly has not been until the last couple of years that I REALLY took a look at them and realized that they were people. I had always looked at them as MY Mom and Dad. And I held them to MY high standards and blamed them when I screwed up or lacked judgment or needed too much affirmation from others or lacked drive or felt confused in my marriage or frustrated with my children. Here I go... have I lost everyone already? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I realize that they are and were just people. Beautiful in love young people with all of the hopes and plans and desires in the world for their family and kids and lives together. Just like me and Tyler. And just like me and Tyler they had great triumphs and failures and were wonderful and wonderfully flawed. But I am certain now that, just like me and Tyler, they tried their hardest. And are still trying their hardest. And so now, after the funeral of the wonderful man my friends lost, I want to honor my Mom and Dad and their living legacy. The legacy that they will leave when they go but also honor them while they are here. I want to live my life in a way that would please them and make them proud. I want to be a reflection of the wonderful parents that they were and are and I want them to know how proud I am to be their daughter.

The daughter in law of the man that passed away spoke so openly and honestly at the funeral. She was such a shining example to me of the type of woman I hope to be some day. She spoke about the fact that every one of his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren felt so honored to have this man as their "Pop" and that they all made sure through the years that the let him know how much they loved him and also they lived their lives to honor him. My friend (another wonderful daughter in law of his that I'm sure he felt such peace and pride in knowing the kind of woman his grandson married) shared that they all (all of the kids and grand kids) are high achievers in their lives. Not just in their careers but also in their families and in how they are and who they are. That they all have the same depth of character that they all saw in their Pop.

I'm ashamed to say that I did not live my life like that. My life was all about me with very little thought about the type of reflection I would be on my parents who adored me. I do not have any idea how they managed to provide me with SO much love and SUCH rich memories despite the turmoil that went on in our family from a very young age with my brother. It may have been that I always battled with depression- I'm not sure why- but I always just kind of floated through life expecting the next decision to be made for me like a feather in the wind. I had no real drive or determination despite my parents encouraging me, sending me to college, and urging me to pursue a career path I would be passionate about. I didn't do drugs. I never got into trouble. But I did make some unfortunate decisions that I know broke Mom and Dad's hearts a few times. I'm crying now at the thought of Madeline or Tucker just not caring enough to live up to the potential that Tyler and I see in them. That would be heart breaking. I never realized that it was not just MY life that I was living. I never realized that as THEIR daughter it was my duty to honor them and to be a living embodiment of their hard work and values and LOVE. There was always love.

When I met Tyler and had Madeline and Tucker I finally had a dream and a goal and drive and determination and started to pursue this passion that I feel to be a great mom. I have a great Mom and Dad.

When I sat down with them on Tuesday I didn't expect to say any of the things I did but it all just came spilling out and there we all were sitting in a tiny booth crying at Taco Bueno. I had tried to class it up a bit and go to Mr Pancho but since the three of us work together time was a factor and we opted for faster food. I think if I had known I was going to drop a "legacy" talk in their laps I would have made our lunch at my house or something. Anyway, I told them that I love them. And that I have so much respect for them both. And that even though I'm nearly 35 that I want to make sure that they know that I know...that I KNOW they did their best with my brother and I. And that I KNOW they loved my brother and I so very much and so deeply. What does a parent feel like when their child takes their own life? I can't even allow myself to imagine the pain in that. I want Mom and Dad to know that I want to honor them. I hope they will be around for a very long time for me to get to know the people that they are. I am old enough now to appreciate the stories of their realities raising my brother and I- not just the memories I have of my (I'm sure) very sheltered life. I want to be a reflection in my life of their love. I respect them and I want them both to know that. I want to make sure that they know that while they are here because it is too late to show them after they are gone.