Re runs of Little House

It is 6 am and I just got Tucker back to sleep so it is quiet here. Madeline tuned 3 and a half yesterday and she is asleep in our bed with her Daddy. She doesn't get to sleep with us all the time. We have special reward nights- family movie nights. They are almost every Friday night.

I haven't written a lot on the blog lately. It is because I have been sad. But Madeline turned three and a half yesterday and this marks a special milestone so I wanted to dedicate a few paragraphs to her.

My Madeline has had a hard time since turning three and getting a baby brother. There are great days and there are really bad days. We take all of the credit when our children act wonderfully but want none of the blame when their behavior is unacceptable. This has been a dark time for me. I have blamed myself, felt guilty for giving her a sibling, and just generally taken the actions of a three year old way too seriously- but it has felt very serious...like a crisis...

Madeline was perfect. From birth to three she was perfect. I had no clue how to be a Mother when she was born. But she led me. She guided ME. I got to sit back and enjoy the splendor and glory that come with being the mother of a great child. Then her baby brother. Then, a month later, her third birthday. She has been testing me for six months. And I will honestly say that for 5 and a half I have failed. I was defeated. I had never had to be proactive. But a couple of weeks ago I decided that I was not going to accept defeat. I had been to a therapist that suspected that I was suffering from post partum depression and repressed grief issues, my OB who prescribed antidepressants, and then I talked to a nurse at Madeline's pediatrician's office. Nurse Debbie. She sat on the phone with me for 30 minutes with Tucker crying in the background and listened. I told her how sad I was about Madeline. She had been my best friend and now I felt like we were doing nothing but fighting from morning until night. Late at night. My heart was broken. I wasn't sad about anything else...I was heartbroken because I couldn't figure out how to repair my relationship with her. I didn't have the tools. I needed tips. I needed help. She gave me several ideas- things for Mad and I to do...just the two if us. She told me that she didn't care if anyone but me, Madeline, and Tucker got fed. She told me that I shouldn't care if the laundry ever got done and that if someone came to my house and was bothered by dust to give them a cloth to dust with. She told me that even if Tucker only slept 20-30 minutes at a time during the day (because that's it) not to jump up and do chores- to spend that time with Madeline doing something she loved.

Then I saw a program on Dateline about "positive reinforcement." You hear those words tossed around all the time but hearing them put in to action was helpful.

So I bucked up. I got busy being a Mom and not a doormat. The discipline hasn't involved spanking, yelling and scare tactics...it has been hugging, complimenting, and one on one time. We had a couple of GREAT days this week. Days where a simple request was met with "okay Mommy" rather than slapping, kicking, and screaming. Last night she was tired. I had failed at a 3rd or 4th meatloaf attempt and was on my way to get fried chicken. She was in the back seat and started screaming (and you have to understand what this means- SHRIEKING and kicking, flailing wildly) and I had had it. It had been a frustrating afternoon of burnt bacon and jiggly meatloaf and I lost my cool. I pulled over, got out and opened her door. I said loudly to her that she was not to scream at me any more. She melted. She totally broke down crying all the way home. She went screaming into her room and stayed there for a few minutes. Then she came out with a book opened. It was a "my first little house book" called Dance at Grandpa's. She had it opened to a page where the family was seated around the fireplace and Laura was looking out the window. She said, "Mommy you're not supposed to be mean to me. You're supposed to be like this." And as she said it tears welled up in her eyes. She had really been thinking about it. The last couple of days in our house had been almost "Little House"-like and that afternoon had just about burst the bubble. I hugged her tight and said I understood and I was sorry for getting so mad at her. She had already told me she was sorry for yelling. We had a great evening with friends, chicken (not meatloaf), and our family movie night.

I used to love "Little House and the Prairie." They don't show re-runs anymore. Madeline loves books. She loves to "read" them herself. At school Ms. Stacy says she lines up different animals and toys and reads to them. I will have to get more "Little House" books. Because she is right. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be like "Ma and Pa" all the time...so understanding and warm? I'm gonna keep on trying. Every day I wake up and try harder to be a better Mom. Every day Madeline wakes up 3. But she is 3 and a HALF now. She won't be 3 much longer. We are going to make the most of the next 6 months.