Two Months!

I don't know how or why I let it happen!! I haven't posted in so long. I think I got overwhelmed because I hadn't written or posted pictures from Tucker's birthday (in February) and I thought- well, I'll just make time to post about it and move forward from there...hasn't happened. So, I'll just start from here- this moment and maybe move backwards- sometime.

I went to NYC last week. All by myself. I think it has been 6 years or so since I have gone anywhere by myself. My very best friend of 20 years received her Ph.D. in Anthropology from The City University of New York and I got to and see her "hooded." It was wonderful.

Before I left I was having a hard time. My temper was short and Madeline had been doing that thing again where she resists EVERYTHING I ask her to do. I knew I needed a break. I was getting burnt out and incapable of patience. She and I both had been doing a lot of fighting and crying. But the night before I left I tucked her in, read stories (many more than usual) and kissed her goodnight. I turned to walk out of her room and out of the corner of my eye I saw her little face crumple up. I asked her if she was sad and she straightened up in bed, wiped her little face, and said, "No Mommy, I'm not sad, I WANT you to go to New York and have fun..." It was pitiful. Like it was rehearsed. Like she knew what I needed her to say so she said it but she didn't mean it. I teared up and went back to hug her for a long time. I knew Tucker wouldn't care if I was gone but Madeline...my Madeline was a different story.

I kept asking Tyler if I needed to make arrangements with my parents or his parents for him for them to help with the kids. He kept telling me no. Just a very casual, "no" as if taking off work for 3 days and being home with the kids without me and and without any help for 4 days was going to be the easiest thing ever. I went out with the kids on a big grocery trip before I left so that I would at least know that they had food to eat and I LOST TUCKER!!! I told Tyler I felt like a bad Mother that was being sent away to recoup and would return refreshed and ready to parent responsibly again (like Ya Ya Sisterhood). It was bad. They called the CODE for a lost child and shut down the entire store. The store managers came running downstairs and immediately went into action. A man told me he had seen him last standing by the door going outside. And that's where he was. In the breezeway in a blue car cart. Because he had been telling me through the entire shopping trip that he wanted a "blue car." We were in a red one. I am going to have to get a leash for this child.

I'm back. I do feel rejuvenated and like I am doing a better job. I missed my kids a lot. Tyler did an amazing job and I just love him. Lately I feel so much love for my husband. He's an amazing Dad. I have another story about our children and another crisis but it will have to be another post. Tyler was amazing that night too. But right now he's sitting next to me, I don't have any late night real estate work to do (which is really rare lately) so I am going to log off here and enjoy the company of my husband. I think I might get him to watch the "Real Housewives of..." somewhere with me.