Comfort

The holiday season is hard for me.  I know it can be for a lot of people.  During this season we all work so hard at making things festive and feeling festive but in the joy of the season I also struggle with the pain of loss.

Ten years (almost 11) ago my brother and his son, my sweet 5 year old nephew, passed away.  I miss them every day but I wanted to share some things that give me comfort.  Maybe if any of you who read my blog are struggling with sadness or loss this post might help you find comfort in your own lives.  For my family- the  tragedy of the boys loss sometimes makes the joy of their lives difficult to think about or remember.  I have been reminded. And I am thankful for that.

Shortly after we lost Lou and Luke my Mom made a new friend.  Her name is Deborah.  Deborah was and is a single mom and has a son named Matthew.  Deborah is the same age as my brother would have been.  Her son Matthew is a few years younger than Luke would have been but when we met them he has a tiny little boy who resembled Luke.  He was so smart and kind.   We loved them both and quickly became a part of their lives.  Deborah was happy to share Matthew with us and always made sure to invite Mom and Dad to his Grandparent's events.  Matthew benefited from his relationship with my parents and my parents were blessed over and over by their relationship with him.  He was a precious child. 

Matthew is now a precious almost teenager.  He is such a good kid.  And smarter than I can describe.  He has always excelled at school and a year or so ago was watching kids' week on Jeopardy and decided to take the online quiz to see if he could qualify to appear on the show.  He was asked to audition last spring in Houston and Mom went with him and his mom to the trials.  Matthew caught the attention of the producers there thanks to his great personality, an original song he had written about Jeopardy, and a minivan decorated to the hilt announcing his arrival.

Well, Matthew not only made it through the audition in Houston he also made it to L.A. for the actual competition and taping.  Again, Deborah and Matthew were kind enough to ask Mom to join them for this adventure and Mom got to look on (with her breath held) as Matthew won over $40,000 and won the kids' competition.

Last week Deborah called Mom with some news.  A local television news reporter had called Deborah to say that they had heard that Matthew was going to appear on Jeopardy and that they would like an interview with him.  Deborah explained that he had already been on the show, it had already aired, he had won, and that another local station had covered the events extensively.  She hung up, curious about the call, and called the Jeopardy producer who is now a close friend.

Maggie, the producer, explained that they had no plans for Matthew to make another appearance but that another young man from our town was there with her taping and that he would be appearing on teen Jeopardy. She said that he was actually sitting there with her at that moment and that he would love to talk to her.

The young man that got on the phone was a former elementary school student of Deborah's.  He had come to the school where she was teaching after the fourth grade year had started.  She wanted to assess his writing level and asked him to write an essay about his best friend.  The then fourth grader, Leonard, wrote an essay about his best friend, Luke.

And that's where I start crying folks and the screen is difficult to see as I type this.  I remember hearing about Leonard.  Our Luke loved him so much.  They were the best of friends in kindergarten.  And 4 years later that precious boy was still touched enough by Luke to write an essay about him.  Deborah was astonished and had given a copy of the essay to my Mom. Mom was on the board of directors for the school at that time and ran into Leonard's mother one day while she was there.  They became friends and Mom took so much comfort in knowing Leonard and his mother (a single parent as well) and knowing how well he was doing.  They lost track of one another but hearing the news about Leonard from Deborah blew Mom away.  Me too.

Deborah talked to Leonard for a while and expressed how proud she was for him and then talked to Maggie again.  Maggie said Leonard had already been talking to her about Deborah, my Mom, and telling her about our Luke.  Amazing.  I don't know the outcome of Leonard's performance on Jeopardy but I do know that we will all be tuning in and cheering on this young man when the episode does air.

Mom told me the story last week and said, "Isn't that just an amazing coincidence?" And through my sobbing I managed to say, "No."

There is no peace to be found in the way we lost our boys.  It was gut-wrenching and unspeakable and so so sad.  So grieving is difficult because there is no comfort or understanding to be found in their loss.  There was no reason for it and no one can say "it was God's will."  God didn't "call home" our boys but I am sure He welcomed them with open arms.  And although there is no comfort to be found in their loss, learning of Leonard and having had the opportunity to watch Matthew, with the guidance of his wonderful mother, grow into an amazing young man has provided us a lot of joy.  And I feel like this story is a gift from God, and Lou, and Luke.  It is their way of giving us a glimpse of peace and a way to feel comforted by them.  God didn't take away our boys but He has heard our prayers and your prayers for our peace and comfort and we are comforted.  Love to you all. 

I am so thankful for those of you who have allowed me to talk about and share the memories of our boys.  I see them in Madeline's gentle sensitive heart, in the joy on Tucker's face while he plays with Luke's old trains, the hope and excitement in my Dad's soul when he offered Lou's riding saddle to Tucker (Tucker started riding at the same age my brother had), and in the calm, gentle nature of my husband and best friend that reminds me so much of my sweet brother. 

Even though I still struggle and will miss the boys this season, this year I feel comforted.  Like a warm reassuring blanket on my heart and soul.  And for the first time since their loss I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that they are okay and that they are still with me.  And I feel better.