One Week

One week ago I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Today, as I type this, the pregnancy test still reads positive on my bathroom counter but our baby is no longer living. We have had a miscarriage.


I read on a friend's blog that having three kids 3 years old and younger was not for the easily overwhelmed. At the time I thought, oh, that is the perfect way to describe me..."the easily overwhelmed." I had pretty much decided that I was fine with having two kids- more than fine- I was so blessed to have two beautiful, wonderful, healthy children. There was no need to try and have more. Our family felt complete. But, Tyler and I had laughed at each other because neither of us were completely ready to permanently shut the door on the possibility of more children. Then we found out we were pregnant.


I should have known. I had been falling asleep on the couch for a few nights. Then waking up REALLY early. So early that there was nothing on TV other than the news and the Duggars. So I watched the Duggars. And cried. Why would anyone cry watching the Duggars unless they were pregnant, right?! Also, the Duggars raise ostrich because, evidently, one ostrich egg is the equivalent to 24 chicken eggs. Eggs make me want to wretch when I am pregnant. They showed one of the Duggar girls trying to crack an ostrich egg over the kitchen sink and I thought I was going to lose it. All these little clues about the pregnancy but it wasn't until I dropped Madeline off at school last Wednesday and cried again over nothing that I decided to buy a pregnancy test.


My wonderful mother in-law was here to keep Tucker. I handed him off to her when I got home and locked myself in the bathroom with the phone. When the "+" came across the window I had no idea how to feel. I was definitely overwhelmed. I called Tyler and asked him to come home. We talked in the bathroom for a few minutes and he assured me that everything was going to be okay. That we would be okay, Tucker would be okay, Madeline would be okay, and that we could do this. We could be parents of 3 children (two of which would be 16 or 17 months apart)! As long as Tyler was okay I could be okay. He is so strong. I started to not feel so scared. When we told Kaye (my mother in- law) I even started to feel a little excited. Tyler said he thought we should have another test at my OB clinic. I told him that if the cheap test said "yes" then an expensive pregnancy test would probably just say, "HELL YES!" But I called my clinic anyway and they confirmed that if an over the counter test reads pregnant then you are indeed pregnant- cheap test or not. We scheduled my 8 week appointment.


Tyler and I spent a wonderful weekend with friends and I found myself throwing around familiar phrases like- "the pregnant girl is hungry" and enjoying the shock on our close friends' faces when we told them the news. We were starting to get used to the news. We were planning. We were thinking of names. Tyler was trying to wrap his had around a 3 row SUV payment and attempting to convince me that we needed a minivan.



I could smell everything like a bloodhound. I was tired. I was so excited about pulling all of my elastic waist pants out again. I was so scared about how I was going to pull off getting two babies to bed. Two little babies under one roof. I was so excited to tell Madeline but we decided to wait until we were further along. There was one moment on Sunday when I almost told her. We were at the park. The day could not have been more perfect. The weather was great. We were swinging and having fun. Tucker was being great and I thought- I can do this. This is going to be great. This is perfect. We told our small group family that night and asked for prayers. The next morning when I got up was the beginning of the end.


This baby that I got to love and plan for and picture and imagine has changed me and made my life so much more full even though I will not get to hold it while I am here in this body on this earth. This baby that I am still losing and still grieving and still wanting so desperately made me realize that I am not "the easily overwhelmed." I am confident now. I know that if we do ever decide to have another child that I can handle it. That possibility exists more clearly now.



This baby reminded me of why I married my husband. So strong. So even tempered and calm. Right now I feel so fragile. I feel like I could blow away when Tyler has to leave me. I am so nervous all the time. Tyler makes me calm. He makes me better. He always rises to a challenge and meets it head on and then exceeds my expectations of him. He has surprised me with how dead on his reactions have been to my moods. He has been exactly the husband that I have needed him to be. I am so fortunate to have him.


We love you so much, baby. We wanted you. You were a decision made for us by someone bigger than us and in the short time that we had to take care of you, you blessed us and left us with a hope that we didn't even know we had been hoping for. I am so looking forward to holding you some day.